yesterday wasnt a pretty good day for me... i din wanna break down... all the unhappiness juz came and causes a burst for me... i din slp that nite.. had to finish up the leftovers for Food chemistry A project on aspartame... i've done my part.. but somehow i was surprised tt it wasnt finished on sunday itself... so i ask gal A to send me e file...i complete em... i din expect myself to take 3 hours to finish it... i notice tt mostly the work were copy paste.. but if i were to edit... i realli dun haf to study for my 'supposedly' 2 tests... aft finishin my project, i wen to study for food chem A test... apparently, guy B msg us all tt food chem A test for the day was cancelled... i left with juz 1 hour to study for FOODMI test.. obviously, i din get to read up all the notes cuz i had to prepare for skool.. i reached class very late... everyone alrdy had the eyes on their papers... i sat on the other side of the table which i usually sat.. i ardy noe tt i had not much time.. i couldnt think... all the questions seems foreign to me... i realli had the nervousness build up... dr T alrdy collected the rest of the papers and distributed to others the papers.. meaning other ppl mark our paper... unfortunately, my paper fell into the hands of guy C.. little did i noe tt i was gonna be the only failure... i was very upset... upset with myself at first...for not studyin.. but, dr T shouldnt have make it so obvious tt i'm the only failure... its like a slap of humiliation.. i left cls e moment he said we can go... i seek for haven...toilet.... lock myself up in a cubicle and cried... a few mins later... girl gang D came in... talk about the paper... talk bout the one and only failure... another slap of mockery... i couldnt help but cried more... i feel so out of place... i dun belong in this course... i dun belong to this skool... i was expecting at least a call from gal A or gal E... maybe to ask where am i AT LEAST...since im always with them.. but later to realise all the while i'm a puzzle piece which tries to fit into the whole puzzle without realising that i'm cuttin a part of myself to fit in... instead, a call was received by this small gal NUT... i was touched.... to think my own close frenz couldnt be bothered with me but this frenz whom had been in same class as me since day 1 of poly and not tt close to, is more concern... is the one hu lend me a shoulder to cry on... i couldnt hold back my tears... i cried till i soak gal F's sleeve with my tears...gAl NUT is concerned too...i can sense it.. but i noe she doesnt noe how to express it.. i understand.. cuz i'm juz like tt... wen she cried the other day.. i realli dunno wad to do... but i realli wanna help...
*before skool* i wanted to go skool... so i ask my mum if she could lend me $ for transport... cuz i realli was broke...she went into her room and gave me$5-note and 3 $2-notes... den i heard my little brother crying.... sayin "dun take my money", "dun take my money"... den i asked my mum, y are u taking his money... her reason was she had no small change and tt she will return back the money to him... but i believe tt she actualli got no more allowance to give me... i feel so bad... i shouldnt be takin his money and left him cryin terribly... i gaf him back his money and told him "dun cry... i wun take ur money okay?" my mum say its ok... but i realli dowan... so i left house with wadeva i had... i think alot during my journey to skool... is my family tt broke? seems like i cant quit my job even if i want to... my mum and stepdad are jobless... i wonder how the money came by... savings wun last long... can they at least find a job and STOP telling me " dunno if i will live long to see my son work...." it realli upsets me... it made me think of death is the onli alternative way... my biological dad is sick... but at least he got a job... altho he's juz a cleaner... wen i realli go broke... i dunno hu to turn to... my mum doesnt work... my dad is onli a cleaner hu doesnt earn much... but i oni ask them for transport $.. i dun mind not eating.. i juz need to go skool... skkoll!! juz need to go SKOOL!!!!!!!!! skool!!!! work makes me tired... but i cant quit..cuz i need $ to carry on with skool... without work, i cant go skool... such irony...
i'm seeking a place to call haven.. but i feel insecure everywhere i turn to.. she, whom i turn to most of the time, last time, is no longer there when i turn to my left or right... she has entered a world full of ppl who cares for her and she cares for... perhaps, if she take a step back...she might catch a glimpse of me, in tears... fighting her way out to catch hold of me, but found me gone by then... every now and then she prays for me... her soul is by my side, lookin aft me.. caring for me.. but her body is among the midst.. perhaps we had somehow switch shoes... i was like her previously.. now, she's like me.. but wenever i'm down, she's the first person i tot of.. but wun tell her, lest she'll be worried.. tmr is her burfday.. but i'm celebrating in advance with her later.. cuz i bet her classsmtes must have special arrangement for her on her burfdae itself.. i tot i could be the one to celebrate with her first this yr.. till my colleague told me tt she turned up at siglap gelare with her frenz.. and to find out she alrdy celebrated last sunday with someone else.. den it strikes me tt i'm not tt close to her as ??? is to her... recollections of wad happened in sec skool flash in me.. i have no right to tell her hu to prioritize.. she holds the key.. she makes the decision.. everyone has their own key that belong to themselves.. it shouldnt fall in the hands of others.. anyway.. happy 18th burfday ah bel jie....
4:59 AM;
I made my mark
LOST IDENTITY
-=|Solistice|=-
I stand in between both solstice; slashed, tortured, LOST.
