iNfatUation rUles me...

2009-05-14T12:22:00.000+08:00

As usual.. i'm too busy to update.. werking till late or too early in the morning and come home and just drop dead on my bed.. been werking 13 days straight without off.. super tired.. With tampines One outlet's opening, jO has to be so busy attending to the last min brought forward opening date, everyone has been on their toes.. running instead of walking, pant instead of breathe.. work hasn't exactly been great.. but a great challenge of tolerating my patience level. Swallow, swallow and just swallow FIRST... I told bb i need a break... just shut off from him for probably a couple of weeks due to my stress level being off its limit.. i don't think it will do both of us any good if we meet up or talk.. i'll end up tangling our relationship again cuz of my temper.. He's one person hu can't see wad others are going thru lest u tell him.. Even if u tell.. it makes no difference.. so.. i suggest i need a break.. But as usual... he just wun give me.. everyday msg, call.. aiyo... if i flare up, don't blame me.. cuz i alr warn.. haha.. yea... with this H1N1 virus circulating our green-blue ball, everyone has been looking at ppl hu has flu with suspicion. I've been down with flu for almost 1 week now. but just a normal flu of cuz.. so wen i sneeze or blow my nose, ppl will just look... i can't help it.. the weather has been 'too good'. Hot and cold... just like me.. haha.. alryt.. till den, i gotta go prepare for werk now..

2009-04-21T15:22:00.000+08:00

yUm! heh~

Shot 1...

Shot 2...

shot 3! look alike heh?

peAce~ i'm slpy~

lurve the way it fits on my head

gagaga..~

Alrite.. long-awaited entry finally here aft close to a month not posting any shits here.. aL0hA~! Actually, i got nth to blog about... Each day seems like yesterday.. a repetitive, recurring motion, image, smell, and shits.. Like wad i told my boyfriend yesterday.. When i daydream, my imagination is as huge as a field that's beyond anyone's imagination.. WHen i work in F&B.. no matter wad post i hold... life will still be monotonous until u get a long vacation.. the nails on ur fingers will never get painted like any adored girls would. Ur hair gets bunned up 6 days each week... No point having a rebonded hair tat looks gorgeous and have wind blowing thru and looking sexy... ur working hours saying 4.30-12.30. But the fact that u go home at 3am(not being paid nor calculated) Or, schedule states 7-5pm, but u get off at 7 or 8pm cuz their shorthanded? its ridiculous but shits everywhere.. u have to adapt to this kinda shit if u choose to be here.. Even if u move on to another line or company, u gotta adapt to new shits! damn... it stinks...

2009-03-25T13:11:00.002+08:00

I had enough. I'd swallowed so much of my pride and 'd been forgiving but never forgetting. If i had changed so much to move at your momentum, why can't you do the same? Why does it seems so hard to breathe each time i'm with you? I had to fake my trueself. I smile so as to not rot the mood. If doing something with me seems to just be a game, and not a challenge, I'm no different from a kid. If a game to you is not about winning, I'm being a fool to look upon it as one. If your mindset is always fixed, we can never click. Cuz i haf to change mine to understand urs ALWAYS! "Sorry" has always been the hardest word to say. Even after you say it, u haf ur say. So wad's the point? What's the big deal about giving in once in a while? Winning is not everything. Yes. I hope you don't win yourself a position in ur so-called new 'high-classed' restaurant. Its no wonder till now u haven't win my heart. If you don't look upon obstacles as a challenge, but just a game, you'll never make it to the top. And, you noe wad... since eveything is a game, this relationship's gameover.

2009-03-12T23:59:00.003+08:00

~hehe.. cool eh?

~oo lala... the theme is 'Messy'

we both were in the same chging rm tryin on clothes... and not

to mention...comparing who's fatter... wth bel.. haha~!

As u can see... i had my fringe sliced off.. now.. i look like toot toot... ppl kept asking "y u cut ur fringe?!?!" damn... i had no choice!! either cut or pin up and i look very haggard.. so i took the risk and now i'm pulling it every single day to fasten the growth.. (which is totally illogical) hmm.. so far i'm doing well in my new job.. still trying to adapt and learn things fast.. tired as per normal.. recently just went out with joe and bel.. had loads of catch up done..

Nowadays i easily get hot-headed... throwing tantrums over small issues.. even a slightest dust can piss me off.. people usually cry for reasons.. i cry... and then i find reasons... wth.. F*** it.. my mood changes very fast.. i can be extremely happy.. a minute later... u see my sulking face.. damn.. i dunno y.. well... not during werk of cuz... i maintain that smile all the way till i get cramp at times.. laugh unecessarily.. and aft werk... silent all the way.. anyway.. i'll be quite busy these few days so havent really got the time to update.. so.. anything, u guys can reach me via my fone.. 24hrs on.. except tt i wun answer wen werking or dead aslp.. chaoz..

2009-03-02T01:32:00.001+08:00

*bUrppp*

now u know where my nose and stern face come from

caught em on candid

the chicken's burnt!! flip it! hurry!

caught her off guard.. hehe

Dinner with dad and sis.. Totally had loads of laughter and joy.. haha.. irna lots of toys.. nora lots of books and me lots of sesame streets... me sleeping in the basket and reciting ABC song.. All these wen we were still below 10 years old.. now.. a decade past.. look at us.. grown half size taller.. i cant really recall much of the past.. cuz i only remember wad i dun wish to remember. Sometimes.. one really haf to hide sooo much of how and wad they feel in order to not affect the people around them.. ppl say.. let bygone be bygone.. but doesnt it bug ur conscience? it can drive u nuts.. nuts nuts nuts nuts nuts nuts nuts nuts...

NORA! i tell u! STUDY HARD HOR! only den ur holiday from home is paid off.. And wen semester's over.. COME BACK HOME! cuz we miss ur cute nerdy face... love u babe...

p.s: ur gorgeous actually..*hugs*

2009-03-01T16:03:00.001+08:00

A good day to sleep in today.. the soft whisper of the splattering rain on my window.. the gentle breeze that caress my skin could just send me floating off to bed now.. BUT! nooo... meeting dad later for dinner.. and need to shop for long-sleeved shirts for my work starting tmr! Got up real late today.. about half an hour ago? hah.. had really hectic days for the past week.. finally i got to rest.. anyway.. i'm still waiting for my sis to come home for the past a month plus! come back soon ya? the house seems like a stranger's house.. i dunno hu i living with.. come back and make me realise.. for days i only keep myself in this room wen not werking.. only go out to toilet wen nature calls. At least i got someone to quarrel with.. Someone hu can be my guinea pig wen i cook.. anyway... ur room's a mess.. waiting for u to come and clean it up.. hahaha! no matter how i clean it.. i'll still make a mess somehow.. the longer u take to return... i make sure cobwebs form at the corner of ur ceilings.......

2009-02-25T14:22:00.000+08:00

look at my tagboard.. impressive eh? within less than half a day.. its flooded.. oh.. that's my uncle.. expressing himself.. a democratic country.. open comments.. seriously.. i got no more comments.. still stunned by the fact that 'jos' is my uncle. mayb its gonna take me awhile to digest it.. and then, digest his comments.. He's gonna summon me... he's gonna find out more about me from my teachers.. yea.. it haven't struck me wat will happen next.. as in my life.. but i can vaguely see wad is coming.. mayb a slap from mum.. thrown out of the house.. hmm.. i dunno.. we dun realli noe hu we are till ppl show us a mirror. mayb he tried to show me sth thru the starting comments back in dec or jan.. but all i can say is his method was wrong. but again.. hu am i to tell him wads right and wrong... (anyway.. i got a dressing-down from him thru the phone..) if he had mentioned earlier hu he was.. i would haf take into consideration his comments.. cuz aft all.. he knew me tt long.. A real relatives hu cares.. wouldnt resort to such methods.. then again.. hu am i to tell him wad to do... then again.. it diverts back to parents.. like i said.. i love both my parents. All my previous entries that had u assumed things.. how old were they? 3 years back? thru time things change.. ppl change.. i love and respect my mum.. i noe tt.. and she noes it too.. and thru time.. it unveal ppl too... time.. is sth we cannot outrun nor turn back.. time shows wad the future holds for u.. time can also be nasty wen u say sth and can nvr take it back.. its just a matter of time.. till sth happens to me.. its just a matter of time till sth happen to everyone. changes are bound to be there at every sec.. mayb in 10 mins... ur hair grow by a certain millimeters.. maybe in 1 min.. u feel like ur bowels are coming out.. mayb in 30 sec.. u realise its a fact.. it a lie.. its a story.. its a dream.. we may not noe wad retribution God has for all of us hu sins. But sinners should had it coming. I'm just one of them.

2009-02-25T03:24:00.002+08:00

i hate this... i hate bullshit talks... i had received the final warning from singtel.. now a lawyer letter.. 3 months ago till now u said u will pay ur bill... until now??? if u cant pay... its ok.... just SAY it.. dun keep dragging the payment... its under my name for goodness sake! if cant pay... i'll pay it!! dammit! y do problems always come in a flush?! f**k it!!

2009-02-25T02:59:00.003+08:00

my mind's in a whirl.. it really IS him.. i already guessed it at first.. but i dare not assume too much without evidence. 'Jos' is really that person whom i already tot at first.. To think it is actualli true.. i was praying hard it wasn't him.. i'm totally disappointed.. to think i actually look upon u as my favourite. i was wrong. totally wrong. ur no different from the typical aunties and uncles. meddlesome. my advice to u is... take care of ur kids FIRST.. no word can express my feelings rite now.. sad.. extremely sad but filled with hatred... i feel so stupid! i hate for the fact that we have blood relation. i hate for the fact that i once look upon u as someone i can turn to. i hate myself for being so stupid. u can say all those hurtful comments knowing that i'm ur niece. really... my words were real. Now i read back all ur comments... u really shud save it for someone nearest to u... all the best, jos...

2009-02-24T00:16:00.000+08:00

Only had 4 hours of slp.. went back to my sec. sch with nicole in the morning to visit some teachers who were shocked by our changes. And Mrs Djie even said last time very tomboy.. now all ladies.. haha.. and then we met up with mabel n went for lunch and shopped for ingredients to bake at her house aft tt.. it was cool.. aft 4 months nvr meet up with her.. she's still the same nonsense her.. haha.. 3/4 of the time we just set our eyes on the tv and slumped on her comfy couch..

In relationship, there's 2 things which u would love to have. Love and trust. but if u lost one, the other is destroyed. Once u lost trust, but believe tat u're able to build it up again, it won't be as easy a process to do. Once u stab or been stabbed, the horrid nightmare will carry on recurring and nothing could change that. Feelings could nvr be of the same strength as wad u had previously. anyway.. relationship is just a comfort zone with pins hidden in the corners. u could jump to another stage, but regret a second later. But if u carry on harbouring bitterness, happiness dock elsewhere.

2009-02-22T02:10:00.009+08:00

*Viewed from the summit of reason, all life looks like a malignant disease and the world is like a madhouse.*

*it is difficult to live in the present, ridiculous to live in the future, and impossible to live in the past. Nothing is as far away as one minute ago*

bOO! i'm back again. i cant believe its just another 4 more days in g.cafe and i'm out to another zone. a little nervous.. but i hope i can build bonds with my new colleagues and learn new things thru the ropes provided. Things in life are moving at a calm locomotion. Anyway, i baked quite alot these days.. cakes, chocolates and egg tarts.. first attempt of my egg tart was disastrous. the pastry turns out like cake texture. this is why i dun really like to follow recipe.. 2nd attempt was better.. i din use any recipe, just my own count... and vOala! perfect! i better stop baking or i'll never stop.. my cake was alright.. above are some pictures of it.. Anyway.. i'll be enrolling for my basic theory some time mid of next month.. hopefully can pass before this yr.. and after i pass, me and bb gonna get a car with our join income... and after that i'm gonna invest in my teeth! i wanna put on braces!! 6k!! Dang! haha.. after that, i'm gonna invest in getting a better car.. and so on and forth.. and buy myself a lexus by the age of 35. (if i live till that age) haha! dunno when i'm gonna get tied down.. but not so soon! not until i take off the braces which i'm gonna put on!!! haha! alryt.. update soon!

2009-02-16T17:36:00.000+08:00

been busy lately.. with work.. down with various illness.. till now have yet to recover.. oH ya.. I got the job in c. club!! i applied as Management trainee.. but he offered me Assistant manager instead.. oo...kk... will be startin werk on 2ndmarch.. and my last day in G.cafe will be on 28th feb..

recently, i've been helping out my old boss in p.spot.. and i've been werking crazy shift.. like morning at g.cafe, night at p.spot till morning and morning at g.cafe... i hadnt slpt yet... one thing... if i wasnt a management in g.cafe.. i wouldnt haf stop working p.spot... the stress is too big.. i still have skool to handle... so my boss D, ask for my schedule today... i said i cant help this week cuz i'm working 6 days at g.cafe.. Den his msg came about, "U gotta werk at least 2 days per wk, u r still an employee under me, i know u have other jobs but not like this. can u pls reschedule?" In the first place... his method of approaching me to ask me to work for him was when i was playing pool... and he said.." can u help me out on chinese new year? no one werking..." my intention was HELP.. and slowly.. he took reliance on me.. since i was werking lss days in g cafe.. i carry on giving.. till now.. wen i was needed much in cafe... he sent me such msg.. does he have any proof to begin with that i was his employee? and his other so-called 'employees' doesn't need to abide to his rule of contributing 2 days... wad do i care? i said.. "i quit then"... besides.. i dun really like that job.. boring and hateful when comes his mood swing... he just bring u down.. and for the fact that u din spoil his mood... its others hu did it but the one nearest to him will feel it.. All of us know wad he's like... attitude problem fella.. oh ya... his reply to me was "Ok fine, if u all wanna behave like little girls. Stress dun come to u, u go to them. dun come anymore." Wah... i GLADLY wun step in there man.... first of all... little girls dun stress.. and if u think that my body can take ur kind of shift after shift... u are crazy... g.cafe is not like ur job... g cafe is freaking tiring and some more ur not just a staff there... ur a management... alot of responsibility.. so sorry if ur thinking is so shallow... its no wonder no one wants to work for u... change ur behaviour bah...

2009-01-29T02:10:00.002+08:00

A low-life jos trying his very best to keep up being the 'wise' one handing out threats and redundant advices which i think he could keep it for himself.. Judging others with his eyes but zero thinking.. a brain which seems like a pea to me.. his comments r just like spices to my curry.. i dun bother to know hu u r.. but it bothers me whether ur 9 or 40 years old. =)
Yes cousin, all talk... no substance.. haha.. i like that.. Anyway.. i'll leave it to God. He knows best. And i do believe in karma. To God i pray, this fellow to see the lights to his life and pave his way to a better route. Obstacles r just test in one's life. Its natural and not meant to be created by no one but God Himself. Judging and hurtful comments, its best if u keep it to urself, jos. Well, but if ur having a hard day, and u wish to let go ur anger, go ahead... my tagboard is opened. Seems like thats ur only way of making urself feel better. =) cheers dude.

2009-01-25T03:01:00.000+08:00

A super long and tiring day.. was at G.cafe from the time i switched on the lights till i switched em off..aft tt, played pool with steph and her fren(whom the name i forgot).. Great game.. but just tired to go on.. Later in the afternoon, will b working at P.spot till midnight. And the following day same thing.. and the following following day the same thing.. For me, life revolves around work.. having 2 jobs kinda help to keep myself well-occupied.. But i go crazy again the moment i reach home.. Insanity is sth which is embedded in me like a plague that can never be remove till sth is sacrificed. Fido's @ KL... mummy's going malacca later.. go..go..go... argh.. i miss fido.. that stoopid moron is really an idiot... urgh..

my heart aches each nite thinking bout my past.. sth which i cherished soo much previously that i keep salvaging the relationship till i'm so tired of doing so.. if i could rewind back the time, i shouldn't haf even join g.cafe. That way, i wouldnt get to know him and be miserably head over heel about him. also, i wouldnt be so damaged where health is concerned. But, at least i learn to be an extrovert and made some frenz.. Someone hu falls in love easily always ends up in a pile of shit. duh~.. Happy.. i just wanna b happie.. i can mask my heartaches and sadness beneath the smile.. but back at home.. same recurring memories and flashbacks occur to often to bear. i wanna forget everything and be someone new.. i wanna move to a place where no one knows me.. AFRESH. i dun like deceiving myself any further. And to yan, face the truth.. we're over. no use keeping the truth from ur parents and siblings. If u can tell ur colleagues, y not ur family? i dowan u to hang on to any hope there is between us. in fact.. there aint any hope. i've surrendered. and i noe ur totally hopeless at salvaging things. not even a persuade. ur ego rule ur head. if i were someone u really loved, u would haf lowered ur ego towards me from the start. but u din... i had to keep up with u.. and i no longer can muster that strength to carry on the same journey as u... like how u wish me all the best, i would wish u all the best in life too..

2009-01-21T00:11:00.002+08:00

Tuesday.. by right.. busy.. by left.. boring~! But at least my cousin, hanis came down together with fiqah and my happie pill.. made my day a little tho.. Earlier, i was fuming mad that u could see dark clouds hovering above my head.. My little trainee.. made me mad.. aft that i sat down and talked to her.. worst.. she cried.. haiyo... i din even scold her.. i just talked to her.. and everyone said i like making ppl cry.. haha.. unintentional! no doubt tt 90% of the trainees under me cried. the challenge given to me when assigned to train new crew isnt to train the person well.. but to NOT make them cry.. guessed i fail again.. haiyo.... sry if my face scares u.. but work is work.. aft tt u wanna hehe haha with me oso i dun care..
Tmr, a day i look forward to.. gonna be hell of good time!! haha!! OFF day! can go meet dad.. its been quite sometime since i saw him.. that was like... before nora fly off to dunno where.. kinda miss him.. love u daddy..
Dear poly frenz who reads my blog, i miss u guys alot.. do text me for a meet up yea?? all the best for ur final sem.. exBDS ppl... its been months!! c'mon c'mon... organize sth.. i cant organize this time round cuz i'm busy working my ass off.. heh!Happie pill, thx alot for being a monster.. haha.. miss u..

2009-01-16T02:27:00.000+08:00

its amazing how these kinda ppl come about in ppl's life.. thinking they know wad others been thru.. but.. i wouldn't take it as a bad thing.. i dun own their mouth nor thoughts.. so, as a courtesy, i'll just thank them for their comments. It's my pleasure to hear your thoughts..=)
Anyway.. life have been monotonous lately.. but i chose it to be that way. so, walk thru it.. Sorry to mother, i can't fulfil ur wish of me getting engaged that soon.. cuz we separated already. And its a final decision already. I dun wish to elaborate as to why the firm stand to end the relationship.. but all i noe, its over. Healing an open wound would definitely take a long period of time.. but i think i'm able to do it on my own.
Work.. work's cool.. but tiring as usual.. I wish to be transferred out of hougang. Or perhaps, another job? which is so impossible at this period.
Replt to 'jos':
1. I'm not encouraging my cousin to do it or is on her side. Things HAD already happen. Why bother to pull her down further? Do u even noe how she felt? Do u even talk to her? Condemning ppl isn't gonna help them continue to breathe easily. She already received her punishment. Taking up responsibilty as a mother. So condemning her would make her feel better? haha.. take the chance to think before u talk too..=) or perhaps, put urself in her shoes.. Oh! i forgot.. If u noe how to put urself in others' shoe, u wouldnt be saying such things.. sorry.. try learning ya? its gooood...
2. "Blaming parents and elderly"? haha.. If i ever did, I'm so sorry, mum. I love my parents even though i came from a broken family. We don't show our love. Are u part of my family? You noe wat we wen thru? you noe our lifestyle? NEVER bring in my family matters if u dun even live under the same roof as me.
3. "Grow up from my dream lifestyle".. I bet u do have ur own dream lifestyle and the immaturity thought in u even if ur 40 years old. There's always a part of human that never grow up. Even if i'm immature with the way i blog, it's just in me. I like it. I blog to express.. Not to impress. Besides, I'm still young. I have choices. Choices of how to live my life.
4. "Mind your own business".. it refers to ppl like ur kind. Poke their nose into ppl's life witout knowing the content, much less the prologue. And perhaps, ppl like you depends on ppl for help. U will never be able to make it for the future if u keep leaning, baby... If i am in trouble.. it IS really none of ur business.. Cuz i prefer to get out of shits myself. Not implicating others. =)
5. "And the next time before any word come out from ones mouth, Think and checkup before saying sometime which you wish it never happens or said out." - this is MY blog. No intention to let others read. Just to vomit thoughts and feelings that are bottling up. Rather than have them explode inside me. Like i said earlier.. no one owns one anothers' mouth nor thoughts.. Freedom of speech is most welcome here. =)If ur hurt by my words.. take it in ur stride, hunny.. For me, it'll only make me stronger.

2009-01-12T12:14:00.002+08:00

first of all.. my life's in a mess. talking about relationship, work, studies.. it's all a mess.. my exams are like a month+ away and i've yet to put my brain to work. in fact, the cells are depleting... Working my ass off everyday and trying to keep myself happy before i break down, is a lot tougher than i initially tot..
Anyway, I was supposed to visit Fayzan yesterday but i was totally wiped out. Kinda miss him..
After i read Hanis's entries, i'm kinda pissed off with hu ever that's trying to mess with her life.. really a shame to mankind. i bet she's not well-educated.. Bringing down other's life isn't something worth to spend time on.. Nor a habit that many would practise. Bet she got such talents that she didn't realize the shame is drawn to her..
GTg now.. before i change my mind and rest at home instead of going over to hanis's.

2008-12-21T01:12:00.000+08:00

I'm slowly learning to let go. It's not an easy ordeal i must say. No matter how long we may had been together, its not as simple as it may seemed. 1 year, 2 years, 5 years... so what if we've been together for so long? do we really understand each other? or are we out to hurt each other's feelings? i admit that most of the time i tried cuz i wan him to feel wad it feels like being hurt. My mum wans us to go thru engagement by march 09. BANG! it shoot my right thru my head. either do or die. I thought thru for quite some time before i decided that the best way for me, my mum and him..... is that we go our separate ways. For days i didn't want to talk to my mum. Pushing me to get tied with someone whom i KNOW cannot support me in the future, really turns me off. I needed time to see thru him. i need to see if he could prove me wrong. if he could see if he could support me in the future. I know that so far.. he couldn't. His dreams are too big. I'll only be an obstacle in his way to achieve them. And furthermore... i'm way too young. how will my friends look at me? they noe i always had bad times with him and most of them disagree me getting back together with him. i wouldn't wanna go running to them again crying... cuz its too huge a decision for me right now.. anyway.... i've decided... its over.... usually.. after work or during my off days... i'll look forward to meeting him... right now... i'm learning of ways to get myself home immediately after work.... i'd asked my mum to cook sth which will tempt me to go home straight to eat.. hehe.. it worked!! well... i must learn to not lean on someone all the time... cuz once the wall is not there... u'll fall terribly.. i leaned on him too much that i fall umpteen times... its time i stand on my own feet.. besides.... i got no intention of getting in a relationship for the moment... probably till i get my career carved out... have a stable income... find a nice guy... with stable income... hu treats me properly.. till then... i'll be busy attaining wad i must.. and one last thing... Marriage/Engagement shall not come till i'm above 23... And sufian... i'm really sorry.... its not all About u... consider my feelings too next time... (oh well....there wun be a next time i guess....)

2008-11-14T23:29:00.002+08:00

Say Goodbye-Chris Brown

(Amended)

Baby come here and sit down, let's talk

I got a lot to say so I guess I'll start by

Saying that I love you,

But you know, this thing ain't been

No walk in the park for us

I swear it'll only take a minute

You'll understand when I finish, yeah

And I don't wanna see you cry

But I don't wanna be the one to tell you a lie so

How do you let it go? When you,

You just don't know? What's on,

The other side of the door

When you're walking out, talk about it

Everything I tried to remember to say

Just went out my head

So I'ma do the best I can to get you to understand

'cause I know

There's never a right time to say goodbye

But I gotta make the first move

'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me

Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you

Boy it's not you, it's me

I kinda gotta figure out what I need (oh)

There's never a right time to say goodbye

But we know that we gotta go

Our separate ways

And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,

And it's killing me

Cause there's never a right time

Right time to say goodbye

Boy I know your heart is breaking

And a thousand times I

Found myself asking, "Why? Why?"

Why am I taking so long to say this?

But trust me, boy I never

Meant to crush your world

And I never

Thought I would see the day we grew apart

And I wanna know

Listen to your heart

Boy you know,

We should be apart, baby

I,I just can't do it

I, I just can't do it.

And sometimes it makes me wanna cry.

Dedicated to you, my love..( i tried....i couldn't find the missing pieces to my heart..)

you WERE my greatest joy... you are my deepest worry. Till now, i have no courage to tell u i no longer have tt feelings i had before. We just can't go on. Pretending we're getting along... But i just can't let u go.. cuz ur were a part of my life. i'm not used to u not being around. but i should stop torturing myself and prolong the sufferings.. i should let u go... i shan't be selfish and deceive u no longer.. u should go ahead and find a better girl..

2008-11-14T23:26:00.002+08:00

Learning how to accept him into my life again. i couldn't find myself loving him like before.

2008-11-09T00:48:00.003+08:00

aite... tmr... i mean today... is my last day in g.cafe... hell of a time.. just tt 6 more hours there and its over.. a non-profit driven outlet ought to just be burnt down.. waste of time.. no critics to be said here regarding any of the people working there... altho there's someone which i realli hate cuz she's a backstabber.. oh well.. politics are bound to be everywhere in every werkplace... so ya... damn u.... may u get fired soon... haha.. to hell to everything...... urgh.... ok..... now i'm stuck.... i dunno wad to do now..... oh ya.!! that bloody ass.. suppose to come down and fetch me from werk..... to think he's actualli at home slping.... wad an asshole... tmr i shan't meet u too... "cuz i tired luh b.......~~" thats wad u shall expect from me tmr.. haha... like i said... i'm no longer miss nice...... then the following day i would say..."oops..... i'm busy.... busy resting.... " and the following day...." oops... i made plans....." and more oops.... hahaha.... u want 2 meet... come find me..... i lazy go find u....... u and ur stupid laptop..... go out wit me... u bring ur laptop..... and do ur werk.... wah..... i DETEST that man...... u can do as much werk as u wan..... i dowan to be present.. or.... perhaps..... go home and slp..... u need rest...... i dun nid someone to go out with me and think tt i'm refraining u from slp.... go slp... go do werk..... too free? den come find me k? and do NOT call me in the wee hours like 3am.... i need to slp... and dun say u would call back wen u wun.... cuz it doesnt werk for me now.... last time... i was foolish enuf to wait for ur call tilll 5 plus den i slp and to find out u din call the next morning... now... u said u will call later.... i just put down the fone and just go to slp... its a routine alrdy.... i'm getting used to ur empty words... hahaha... and i'm not upset at all.... to me all dis just seems like a joke.... hahaha.. seriously... anyway..... we're just perfect strangers in love..... mayb not realli in love for my case...

2008-10-30T14:21:00.000+08:00

Its been days since i last msged him.. Yesterday i received the longwinded sms from him.. Seems as tho he loves to sit like a duck and wait for things to happen... to me... it seems to be his character.. cuz it happens all the time.. he would just do nth to salvage things.. And u noe wat... i'm no longer the little miss nice. life goes on for me... i got plenty of things to do out there... worrying bout this aint carry me further... and dun u dare complain u're worn out... ur just worn out cuz of the quarrels... while i'm worn out cuz i'm tired of loving u... ur expectations are beyond my reach... each day seems like a 10km run. tryin to please u even wen u hurt me indirectly... i swallow them all.... till now... i find it too hard to even put em in my mouth. i gif up... it was a mistake tat i told u that u are my greatest joy. you WERE... cuz u took it for granted... u knew that i loved u alot... so u think u can mess with my feelings just like tt... THINK before u talk... i'm a girl.... i'm not the guy... i'm sorry.... but i realli think that there's oni 0.1% chance that we would be together... u r realli one super asshole which i wish to beat up. i loved u alot yet i dun get the return... perhaps its retribution... previously... my ex loved me alot but i din... now... karma... I"M FUCKING TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-29T02:28:00.000+08:00

its time that i should stop putting others ahead of me.. cuz i think for others but at lost for myself most of the time. most of the time i simply don't noe wad i want and wad i wanna achieve and wad i wanna do. each night i wish someone or sth would enlighten me.. wad am i to do with my life. i'm living for others and not for myself.

from young i haven't really got to feel love. my mum.. i'm sure she loves me but she doesnt show. i dun get things which a kid would yearn for. so, in turn, i learn to love. i love the people around me. i put them ahead of me. yet, i still don't feel love. so, i'm practically living to love not to be loved. and to be frank, i'm tired of doing so. Perhaps like wad people say, too much milk will spoil the broth. and people gets up on ur head.

i tot i found someone hu can make me feel special. And perhaps, i was wrong. Perhaps, he felt the joy to be loved and wans more out of it. And he felt i waited for him... and i love him alot. So, he wouldn't think i would leave. one year... one bloody year with him... i dun feel like his girlfriend. perhaps a moment or two... other than that, its just like a friend with benefits. I tried my very best to avoid all quarrels. i tamed my temper. i swallow hiccups. but i tolerated enough. I'm very tired of being the guy in a relationship. Where are the surprises, the concern, the honey words? If he were to be in a relationship with any of my frens, i bet they wouldn't last even a month. Each time i see my fren's or my cousin's partner, i feel envious.

I'm tired seriously.. this relationship has worn me off. Name me sth which u haf done for me that made me feel touched or loved. i dun need my fingers to count. just the thumbs are enough. I may b a little harsh on my words now. but thats how i feel. i couldnt convey my tots in other ways except blogging. Without u, i struggle to live. with u, a long-term tormenting life. its time i think for my own. i dun need a remote to lead my life. i dun need to love ppl hu doesn't noe how to reciprocate the same way. i do question myself, y did i waited for u? wad do i see in u? why did i haf to ask u out on ur birthday? why did i hug u on ur birthday? why did i detour to the hospital to be there for u even wen we alrdy broke up? why did i get back to u even after u hurt me umpteen times? why did i bring u home? why did i always change my off day and haf everything rescheduled to get the same off days as u? why did i think so much of us till i haf sleepless nite? why why why why why why why why why why why????? why do i haf to love u so much yet to find out i'm not really being loved. u can tell me that i dunno how much u love me. but that's how u portray it to be. maybe, u shud learn to love. i've learn enough even though i've never been in a long term relationship. its not about hu has been thru a longer period in a relationship. 5 yrs, 10 yrs... but if u dunno how to love, i pity the other party. its hard for a gurl to be a guy in a realtionship. yes... u can do it for months.. but it gets tedious as days go by. and the love wears off faster.

2008-10-23T03:08:00.001+08:00

look like a 16 year-old boy.

Sulk worst than a girl, that is. Haha. A freakishly tired day, yesterday. Tired and hungry, that is. Went opposite, mAc doNg donG, to eat supper aft werk. Argh... and someone sulk cuz i din report my strength. 'SORRY SIR!" and.... he went silent...... allllll the way............. still stubborn... even wen i keep looking at my clock... my hp.... my clock...my hp.... it doesnt buzz with his name appearing... i give up. i called him. sometimes... i find that a small thing that leads to quarrel... isn't worth the time nor anger. So... make a joke out of it. Tensions gone. But of cuz... lesson learnt. Well... who says we have to be serious all the time to instill important notes? a joke with a matured mind do click with knowledge gained. I can proudly say that i've learned to control my temper. Think optimistic. And learn to be patient. all... thanks to my lover. *xOxO* baby.

After i break the ice.. we still squeeze that little time we had for today to meet up. i skate!! and fall.. (expected) ahhh... i din noe he skates very well.. I'm utterly impressed. if only he can love me tt well as he skates...*sNAP!* uh huh... he look so cool wen he skates!! woohoo! i can barely turn around nor stop without any pillar or help. so ya... tt's how bad i do. but fun! interesting pair of shoes with wheels that move u around with style. (not applicable on Hanifah though) its fun to roll around knowing that u got someone there who would pick u up when u fall. Although i tried hard not to.(stupid chair) Anyway... Hearts u many many bb... lotsa lurrve~~!

2008-10-10T23:16:00.001+08:00

@ staircase wasting our tym away~
super engrossed with taking pictures...-_-"

Chapters in life speaks a never-ending story. What's love? A word to ponder upon with a no-wrong answer. Yet a complication derives through the many answers from the experiences of others. Why is that for some, it's easy for them to deviate their attention to another person but to others it takes a great willpower? Why is that for some, even silence with the love's presence, they are able to enjoy but for others its a torture? Love gives the greatest joy yet the deepest pain. Love is filled with laughters yet end with tears. That's love.

Sincerity, Loyality and trust. That's my baby's key to love. Mine is Honesty, trust and acceptance. It seems that trust holds the greatest weigh in a relationship. He once breached my trust. And it took me alot of strength to find them back. Eventually, i succeed. Umpteen quarrels we had. Yet, now, i've learn to accept things. Being with him had allowed me to venture new things and learn more about being in a relationship. He,indirectly, had taught me alot of things that i never once knew. He himself had put through a whole load of torture being with me, tolerating me and being forgiving. My greatest joy ever was to have him by my side. The person i wished to spend the rest of my life with has already been found. A gift from God that i got to meet him. A fate that prevails that will continue its journey.

To my beloved:

Having u by my side is indeed the greatest joy. No matter what's the real answer to 'Love', I, myself, had carry the answer. It lies in my heart and only you understand the meaning. A year with you had made me think maturely in a relationship. It's not about being by ur side physically everyday. But the words that u utter thru the phone that made me feel ur presence. The sensational feel that u gave when u said "I Love u". We met with obstacles thru our journey, yet we made it thru. Thanks to ur patience. Even during the darkest period, the light that lit my way thru was u. Bb, I'm really sorry for my attitude, ur greatest tolerance had become a remedy. Thank you for being with me. I love you.

I finally had tendered my resignation. I need to do something about my life. Working there brings me no where given the fact that with that kind of pay, i could barely save a penny. And i bet i could find a better job which could pay me the same or higher without working my life out. i could feel my heart in my throat each day i wake up with that swollen eyes, half-dead body and 0.1% energy level wen i drag myself to the toilet with the towel dangling down my shoulder. It feels as though I'm working 2 jobs and only slp for 3-5 hrs per day. Probably its my health. And work drag me down even further. Each friend of mine whom i met outside coincidently, will Always ask me a very common question.."Your eyes are terrible! Y is ur face so pale?" Simple answer, "Tired". my answer. i rather not go deeper. Cuz i don't see the problem in my colleagues. its just me. my health is dragging me down. i wish it would just go away. anyway, G. Cafe is really tiring. A cafe with no service charge yet we gotta serve, process order and do cashier. Wth. And manpower? So bloody little. Y? Cut cost. ..the hell.... Anyway... stress is bound to be there in every job. And i rather find another job. Haha. FREAKISHLY tired. G.Cafe is really pulling people into their grave faster. I shall save myself first before people come and visit my grave.

Anyway, to all my colleagues, nice working with u guys for the past ... dunno how long... really memorable moments. no worries laa... u noe hanifah... she will surely come down once in a while. =) chaoz

2008-09-29T00:43:00.000+08:00

i'm going farking crAZy!!!!!!! y the silence??????? haven't u gaf me enough silence that 3 months wen u went MIA???? y do u haf to ask me to call u wen i did, and u dun answer????? wads the point???? i see no point!!!!!!!!! i oni visualize rubbish! RUBBISH!!!! RUBBISH i TELL YOU!!! wad da hell r u doin????? fOOLing around??? dare not answer my call with ur scandal by ur side?? ARGH!!!! damn u.... i HATE this!!!!!!!!!!!!! FARK sHIT!! FOOL AROUND FOR ALL I CARE! LEAVE!! GET OUTTA MY LIFE... CUZ MY LIFE IS FARKING DAMAGED!!! DUN CALL, SEE OR EMAIL ME ANYMORE! I DOWAN TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT U!!!!!!!!! I'M FARKING DAMAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-28T02:21:00.001+08:00

pop tt boOty~

to a point when u've reach the intensity of ur climax, u feel like u've carried too much burden with u... to a point where u've lost ur hope and strength to continue moving on. to0 tired of everything, and tired of being hurt. why do i haf to be the one carrying and shoudering the pain thru out these journey? i cant depict a happy future with u... i feel no love.. just plain boring life... engagement? hah... wishful thinking on my mum's part. she doesnt noe the pain i'm going thru... the pain of not being loved yet caged.

-hAtred-

2008-09-10T03:36:00.001+08:00

a picture that potrays my dream

its funny how these feelings come and go. i'm in the state of hurt. i caused my own wound. i dig our things which were the past and have my eyes burnt. my heart screams yet no one hears. i cry but no one sees. its the past.... the present is wad matters most and future is wad we're carving now. i can forgive but i'll never forget. cuz its a scar that holds 'great' memories dat does nth but self destruct. cb.... go slp laa....

2008-09-07T01:48:00.002+08:00

Fuck you. Tt's the oni word i wish to say ryt now. u can treat me as ur girl... but i treat u as my fren. i talk to u like how i talk to my frenz. expect nth special treatment from me until u satisfy my criterias to b my bf. ass. the word tt i hail u. irritating. the word tt describes u. totally. the word that shows how much i cant b bothered with u. avoid. the step tt i always fail. cuz u haunt me like a ghost. Argh. irritating ass.

2008-09-01T02:45:00.000+08:00

aft work.. i stayed on at FEP to do my month end stock count. i was on my way back, and he msged me. it sent down a chill down my spine. His parents met with an accident on d bike. he was scared. i was scared too. i detour my way down to TTSH. i noe how he felt. if it happened to my parents, i would feel very scared too. my intention was to be there for him as a fren. he needs someone to accompany him and assurance that everything was gonna b ok... i'm glad that both his mum and dad didn't suffer heavy injuries. and tts it. as a fren, i'm concern too. for him, and for his parents. but i dowan anythin more than tt. i'm still recuperating from this fall. and i have yet to be straight up on my feet.

you noe, i'm a direction idiot. everyone noes tt. put me in ang mo kio ave 1. and ask me find ang mo kio ave 2, i'll be lost. and fear builds up. i reached TTSH. he said lvl 2. i wen up, it was so quiet and wasnt realli open for public access. so i asked him again. i was getting scared. he said its near 7-11. i wen there and msged him to meet me ther... all he said was, can u find ur own way? aiyo.... i realli felt like crying. not cuz of his harshness... but cuz i was scared!!! i dun like to be on unfamiliar ground alone. and his msg was harsh leh! cb..... okok... fasting month here... i shan't b so vulgar. but my intention was to acc him. so i shant make so much noise.

now, he wants me to accompany him to c the person hu knock down his dad. i dun realli want to. its over. i dun wan him to carry on thinking tt we're together. i dun mind being there for him, but oni as a fren. moreover, i'm still wounded. mayb this is the last i will help. and hope he will realize i'm helping him as a fren. nth more. patting my head, lying down on my shoulder, i feel so awkward just now. i dunno wad to do. tell mi... wad am i supposed to do? haiz............................ i cant carry on like this. i dowan to be deceiving him neither do i wanna get hurt. wad shud i do? i fell so lost. basically, today, my whole self was just lost. i'm totally a lost soul ryt now. houvering around finding a way out. soon, i'll lost my memory. as it is, i'm beginning to forget things easily. but the things tt happened yrs back is still vivid in my head. recent events had been erased gradually. i got an eraser in my head. oh man.

2008-08-30T01:37:00.002+08:00

yesterday wasn't a good day. In fact, it could've been e worst day of my life this yr. its the end of our relationship. i surrender. i'm freaking tired. i tot i was strong enough to juggle work, bf, family, skool, bike and frenz. in fact, i could've nvr felt more defeated than last nite. i felt i'm losing this battle. i was back on my feet aft umpteen quarrels. i gave in too much. and when i whine to others that i'm the one hu always gave in, they say in a relationship, u cant judge by hu gives in more. because of love, sacrifices cant b measured. but i'm getting sick. as much as i wish for him to be the kind of guy hu dotes on me, loves me, concern bout me in a pleasant way, cares bout my feelings.. i couldnt even felt a teeny weeny bit of it. all we do is just quarrel. HE had to blow up his frustration at me just b cuz my hp died and he couldnt reach me. and it all points back at me sayin y din i inform him my hp was dyin or take initiative to inform him. and cuz of that... he digs out all my faults. thats y i'm getting tired. i'm tired of cryin. i'm tired of catering to him. after so much i'm done for him, he din take tt into consideration. instead, he rmbs all the bad things. y do i always end up like this? i feel so miserable for myself. y do i always end up wit such guys? why do i always end up being the bad guy? y do i have to feel so hurt yet i couldnt cry no more? my heart feels so sore yet i dun have a remedy. i could oni put on smile in front of others yet i'm crying terribly inside. i'm oni a 19-yr-old girl yet i have to be under such pressure. y din i just continue in sp? if i had, i wouldnt haf to go thru this bumpy journey. i wouldnt be mugging every nite tryin to catch up with my skool work. i wouldnt have met him again at gelare. i wouldnt have any relationship. i wouldnt have to worry so much. and my mum wouldnt have a hole in tt a/c. now tt i chose this route.. i bear the consequences. puttin back tt sum in tt a/c, mug at nite, work, and have my heart pierced by him.

never purchase error at the price of guidance lest be tormented at the price of pardon.

i had purchased error at the price of mum's guidance by giving up poly life... now being tormented in this route trying to find my way out. i brought all these upon myself. i noe self-reproaching is useless. but tt's how i feel. i brought it upon myself. all miseries i'm having is own-carved. no one carved it for me but myself. y is my heart being pierced? cuz i chose this route. thus, tts e price to pay. nth in this world is free. in tt sentence, lies a deep meaning. in terms of $, in terms of emotions, in terms of objects, thinking, and everything!

i'll nvr get caught up in a relationship till i'm old enough to manage myself. have my career carved out, get my bike, have myself financially-stabled. And i'll nvr get caught up with a guy hu thinks every relationship werks out the same way as their previous, belittles me, thinks i'm immatured in a relationship, always thinks he's right.

i may have lots to learn in a relationship. but i think i cant learn it from u. its so tough that each time i feel like banging my head on the wall. and nvr say tt to ur love ones. cuz ur showing ur authority just b cuz u've been in a long-term relationship and i'd not. even if i have lots to learn, just shut the fark up. i will pick things up along the way thru my journey. oh ya... one thing about me is tt, wen i noe wad i've to do, nvr tell me wad to do. cuz i NOE wad to do. dun dominate me. u've yet to noe everything about me. the only person hu can do tt are my mum, dad and sisters. perhaps, i'm really not up for a relationship. i prioritize my family first. they mean the whole world to me.

i surrender...... i dowan 2 have anything to do with ur life no more. u've hurt me enough. as much as my feelings for u were strong, they gradually died cuz i'm torn apart by ur words. my heart shattered as ur words screeched. no one was as harsh as u except my mum. but she's my mum. u can nvr be compared to her. half a yr and u deliver such pain. i take my hats off to u.

i nvr felt much worst!!!!!!!!! ='(

2008-08-14T02:05:00.000+08:00

nothing feels worst than wanting to cry yet no tears to spare. wen u noe that the heart aches and all u wanna do is hide and cry. I'm totally drained out of energy. i could barely scoop ice cream without trembling. i could hardly concentrate on whatever that's happening around me.

he called during my closing. i hesitated to answer. but i wanna hear his voice. he said he was hungry. usually wen he says he's hungry... i will meet him up aft werk to go for supper. so i said.." so u wan me to come down is it....." and all he said was.. " if u wanna come down den come lor... if not i eat myself" y did he give me such a choice?? he noes i'm soft hearted. but it makes me like a fool. its like as if i'm the one hu wans to see him. argh... fark.

one thing i found out about him today... he nvr admit his mistakes readily. wen problems occur... to him, its never his fault.

as much as i wish to salvage this relationship... i see no point... it hurts me further. everyday i cry to slp.. wake up with swollen eyes.. nth seems ryt. i love him yet i dun feel the returned feelings from my guy. i'll let u go... ease ur burden.. it's over... i'm too tired.... i'm really sorry love....i really am...

2008-08-13T03:23:00.000+08:00

True love doesn't come by finding the perfect person... but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

but how true is true love? sacrifices cannot be measured yet it has been taken advantage of. how can we weigh the amount of love? its time to learn to let go of certain habits which tears the relationship apart. One experiences honeymoon period at the beginning and wish it could last. but mine was long over. could it be i was giving in too much that he expects more? could it be i cared too much for him and he wants more? i feel unloved and abundant at times. i felt like i was an object that was programmed to cater to his feelings. my feelings are dying. i no longer had that strong feelings for him that could conquer everything else. the one that cares and shows concern are my friends. the one that puts me off... its him... it hurts wen u expect more from ur love ones yet returned with nothing. the one that offers advise that i would find reasonable to shut up came from friends. i feel like an idiot everytime he shuts me off. he doesnt look at the credits i've done but he remembers mistakes i committed. could i just be single once again? i'll feel less hurt and i wun expect anything more from him than just wad frenz would do.

wen i said to him tt i wanna be left alone... i was hoping for some initiative from him to show his concern. all i get was "i wun disturb u. msg me or call wen u wan." utterly depressed and the urge of wanting to let him go was certainly there. i want a guy hu loves me with all his heart and my feelings matters to him. a guy hu would overlook my mistakes and treat me not like a kid. i mayb younger. but i'm not 9 years old. i have a thinking of my own. the fragility of my feelings requires attention. it breaks at slightest screech. my heart feels sore these days.

i went for my bike prac today. i was sad aft tt due to wadever that happened... i fell off. i couldnt start. i was drenched. then, i wen to werk... my new nametag was farking ugly. i lost my rubberband to tie my hair. everythin doesnt seems rite for me. the one tt i pour my woes to are my frenz. wen i told him i fall off my bike cuz of illegal U-turn, his reply was i tot prac 6 den learn U-turn? den it cut off... he wasnt concern of wad had happened to me... but was just lookin down on me. i hadnt talk to him for 3 days. and today aft waffle day... i still wen down to find him... all i get was " eh.. finally..now then come and see me" am i the guy in this relationship? do i haf to look for him ? care for his feelings and neglect mine? i hardly get positive comments from his mouth. oni common things like i love u. i need a guy hu think before he speaks. dun make me sound stupid or make me feel like an idiot. i'll lose the feelings even faster.

am i asking for too much? i noe i am being sensitive... cuz i am sensitive. i'm a girl. if u dun noe how to take care of a girl's feeling..... dun get into a relationship. and wen i dun give a damn last time... u said u dun feel concern by me... u dun feel loved. wad do u want???? i dunno wad else i shud do.... the best is for us to take a time-out. my birthday is approaching soon and all i wish was to celebrate with my love one... i never celebrated with my ex before. either we got together aft my birthday or we break up before my burfdae. i was looking forward for this yr... but these had to happen. its realli not meant to b. could i feel worst den ever? i have to juggle so many things yet i manage to love u still. my werk, my skool, my bike, my grandfather and family, frenz, and u.. yes.. u mayb under pressure at ur side wen comes to werk... i have mine too.. u haf some family stuffs. me too... wad else? thats it ryt? y couldnt u juggle me as well... is the pressure i'm giving u too high? i doubt so. if u think its high, lets break up. me too.... i'm getting tired of EVERYTHING..... i just wanna let go of everything i have. including my job. even my studies. even my bike. but of cuz not family. solitude is wad i seek ryt now.

2008-08-10T01:00:00.001+08:00

tired~ of everything

2008-08-06T03:13:00.000+08:00

This is El... my laughing gas emitter
This is mi.. trying to stop hibernating after waffle day

Today was Gelare's waffle day... and tmr is the day boss coming down for store visit. Are we suay or SUAY??! me and el stayed there till 2am. We were basically having wars with the cutleries... hell loads of them to wipe and fold. Clean up here and there. the tot of staying over at the outlet was there till we couldnt take it... and left for home.. tmr both of us are doing opening. that''s wad keep us there.. and the tot of boss coming down.... even firm our stands. but our battery was going flat soon... we could hibernate anytime. But here i am blogging away... trying to keep myself awake and not fall aslp. if i fall aslp... its a gone case. i wun be able to wake up later.

My bb has been quite different lately. he's no longer the guy i knew previously. i noe as couple gets closer, we tend to find out more things and learn to accept. things changed. he no longer give in and cheers me up. he no longer brings a smile to my face each time i was down. he no longer listens to my opinion with understanding. my words were taken lightly as tho it carries no meaning. could it been me? did i cause all of tt to happen since i have attitude problem? its tat y he's being tt way too? at times, i just wanna shun away from him... not calling or msging him.. nor see him... but i cant avoid him for long... he would anyhow think. i just need some time off. i'm alrdy stressed out at work.. and my studies... i dunno how long more i can juggle these things well. eventually... sth gonna drop. i need his concern.. but its not there... i need his ears.. but its not available. i dun need his unnecessary comments that puts me off.. i need sth that consoles me...am i asking for too much? sometimes... i just wanna break off with him and feel wad it is like without him... but i couldnt bring myself to do so. one thing i seek.... dun be angry with me. i may not seem affected.. but deep inside... i'm very afraid of ppl hu gets angry with me. i fear d words tat comes out of the mouth. cuz i bet its heart-piercing. he'd pierced my heart dunno how many times yet not all he noes. its tormenting being in a relationship yet u just wish for someone to be there 4 u and someone to share ur joy with. there's a price to pay for everything. nth in this world is free....

you noe... today.. wen he called (finally.....) at 1am plus... he asked where i was. i said FEP. den told him that i was staying over.... he was obviously against the idea.. and asked me to go back... sounded unhappy... ok..... and then... i was actually expecting a sweet bb to come here and fetch me or sth... neh..... he reached home minutes later as he texted me.... mayb its a wishful thinking on my part thinking that he has nth better to do.... e's not a romantic kinda person.... and to him.... i'm just a kid... i'm just like a little sister to him hu listens to him all the time... haiz... where are we moving to? i dunnoo...... 15th aug is our so called official date where we turned 6th month old together. my feelings aint that strong anymore... i need his help to strengthen back those feelings.

2008-07-17T14:20:00.002+08:00

baby... i love u.. no matter wad... u haf to face these ordeals.. how tough... if u gonna back out... u are throwing in the towel and saying ur guilty... which is not! y let the moron carry on with her ugly deeds and hence let the rest suffer in the future..? din u once told me that if u were put down... u would fight for ur right and prove them wrong? where the old u? if its for my sake, i'd rather u dun quit... juz because by quittin u can solve the whole thing.... face it... NO. if they are gonna ask u further.... shut em up... i'm ur gf... not theirs.... they wanna noe bout me... come talk to me.. bb... hope ur ok... we'll face it together yea....?

2008-07-16T23:51:00.000+08:00

ok... its a mess. i call it a mess.. i shall begin this with a title.....
OVERWRITING THE ABOVE

After 2 months rejoining back G.Cafe team, i was transferred to an outlet which i onced was familiar with. i NEVER liked training ppl of higher post. Reluctantly, i did what i had to. It when smoothly... thru the trainings, E learned new things... so did i.. there were bound to b ups and downs between us... sometimes i do hate E.. sometimes i do miss working with E.. cuz we rarely get to work together. E comes i leave or vice versa.

Recently, i heard from someone from another district telling me there's rumours going around that i'm overwriting E. (Oh ya..E is the store-in-charge of the outlet i'm in. i'm assisting her while training her.) Naturally, i'm unhappy.. in fact i'm VERY UNHAPPY with the fact that the words that gets to my ears are from another district's mouth. i have a boyfriend. he is from another district... which is that district which i heard from. when u're in a relationship... and wen ur down.. the other can sense the unhappiness aura surrounding u.. the obvious thing he would do is ask y... i said nth.. i din wanna tell him at all... i din wanna tell anyone... all i had in mind was to tender.. i was sick of all these... this isnt the first.. perhaps, i'm not fated to be in this company.. everywhere i go... there's surely an issue.. all i cared about was running away to stop further entanglement.. back to him... oh ya... and then... he kept pursuing... den wen i finally pour out... without mentioning names... tho he guessed it... i felt better.. but it goes on... his suggestions.. his feelings... i felt horrible actually.. but din mention it.. den i said i'll have it settle by myself cuz i dowan to sour relationships among others... i never look upon anyone as enemy.. or rival.. or someone i hate... till now... even if i noe hu's spreading it... i wouldnt hate the person... after all... we're in the same company.. i juz wanna noe why she did it... what did i do to make her hate me? i habour no intention in overwriting my SIC... frankly speaking... i dun even like managing a store... what more overwriting the SIC... i'm not after any post...

fark it... so bloody long winded... the thing now is tat... i'm very angry with the fact tat its getting out of hand.... everyone can guess hu told me... T ask Z if she was the one... Z confronted me... say i paotoh her... HALO! i din mention names alrite... and i believe F wun jump to conclusion and pint point anyhow... so i called F. F said BF told T. omg. my heart cracked. and before F called me back.. i msg BF. saying "how did this matter get so huge? (i'm just complaining not saying u) y am i alwayss in a mess wif ur district and mine? F go tell T wad happened... and i din say its Z. i wun say names..but she guessed it... cuz.......blax3... y b? y?y?? now Z thinks i pao her... my intention was to clear my name... now it got entangled more..." ya... tat was my msg to him before i talk to F. den F called me... while i was on the phone with F...BF msg came in but i waited till i hung up den read... but previous msg was send before F called... F saif BF told T... omg....... really omg..... i tell u..... wtf....... den wen i read his reply... it was "whatever happen i din noe.. wadever the higher management did i dont noe. i dowan to interfere in any of dis cuz it will mess things up. Z came down to take test and JT talk to her... i dunno wad happened.. if things leak out i dunno where it came from... arghhh" fuck.... he lied to me... i feel like taking a plate and smash it in his face right now... what a BIG FAT LIAR!!! i dislike u man.... i realli do.... u breached my trust FIRST... and u tried to lie!!!!! URGH!!!!!!!!! i'm so disgusted by u.... Z is my fren... if Z were to hate me for this... i'll hate u too.... cuz u gaf me the firestarters... good luck boy... uRgh!!!! damn U!!!! nth hurts more than a prick from a needle held by ur loved ones! u breached my trust. u lied to me. u breached my trust. u lied to me. u breached my trust. u lied to me. u breached my trust. u lied to me. i hate u.

2008-07-04T03:42:00.002+08:00

blogging is always the last resort for my unhappiness... i dun find sharing sorrows any help.. i'm tired... of everything... of werking... or communicating... of being awake... i just wanna slip into coma for months... let my body rest... y am i slaving for a company and doing the extra werk wen i'm only wad i am? why am i doing someone's else job wen i noe my responsibility is oni this much? i'm not being paid that high to do sucha thing.... the reason could be lying deep in my heart... i noe y i'm doing all these... its just tat wen a problem comes.... i noe wat i shud do to resolve it... so immediate reaction would be wad it is.. but aft some time.... i realise... wadever for?

sometimes i wonder wad am i working for? for myself? or for others?

2008-04-23T01:56:00.001+08:00

wow... its been sooo long since i actually update tis thingy here.. previous entries were all about me hating him and loving him in silence... perhaps..i hadnt update for quite awhile... i'm alrdy back with him.... since like...3 months ago?can say... around 8-10 feb... yea... din realli get an official date tho.. doesnt matter tho... we r doing wad couples do.. so... yea... he's mine..

its been like 1 week and 1 day since he'd flew off to taiwan for reservice.. i miss him badly... but right now... i'm sort of getting used to it.. so... yea... i got other things to stress about.. oh yea... i'm back in gelare btw.... quitted the logistic job... boring... i'm now in far east... worry bout tis and dat... but yea... shall juz keep it in my heart...

yesterday wen cycling from my hse to jaz's hse, to ecp, to siglap, to jaz's hse and back home again... i asked her to accompany me go change coins....... i tell u....... my whole body is hurting like mad... i walk like a duck if i dun control... hahahaha.... add on to it.... today was waffle day.. i almost fainted juz now... i think fatigue... now... my shoulder feels like breaking... stupid coins.... y dun they create paper coins?? at least lighter...

till den... i gotta slp ardy... tmr opeing.... haiz... chaoz

2008-02-04T01:41:00.001+08:00

i wonder y i had to change for the one i hAD once loved.. tHAts foolishness.... but human are realli blinded by love... they go all out to cater to the other's needs.. made promises which you wouldnt keep.. said u love me but din mean it..

i restrained from alcohol... avoid clubbing... stOp meetin guy friends... all b cuz i love u... HAh! eeww... fArkin muShy! EEW eew eEW.. thinkin back.... why do i make promises and keep it but to realize ur not keepin urs? i'm so lOnely nOw... despite knowing that i have long list of friends in my contact... i still can't press any call key on any contact... my life is different from all of them.. 3/4 of em r skooling... 1/4 of them i hardly noe.. out of 3/4... 9/10 r attached.. even my bestfren has been ignoring me for 2 mths.. she's all diff aft she's attached.. cant blame her.. its normal... i guess i skipped my youth.. and realize the drastic change and finds it hard to accept..

each sunday i spend my day coopin up in my room doin nth but surfing net and slp and wake up and surf net and slp.. even my mum is getting worried... if days i end werk early.. i'll be home by 6 plus.. and coop in the room... she kept askin me... "not going out?" or "so.... going where today?" den i'll give her a weird look and say.." i'm not going anywher... i'm stayin hm.." u noe.... tat feeling.... 'empty'... i feel so empty.. i dunno wwad to do wit my life.. i haf frens hu said "u haf me...." words dissipate wen there's no meaning to it.. i mean.. i appreciate it.. but it doesnt haf any meaning to me.. the onli person hu would come running to my hse wen i hid under my blanket and cried was the old mabel... that i'll keep rmbring for life... it created a big impact on me.. hw many of my frenz would do tt? i could count it with ONE finger previously... now... tt finger had rot.... and dropped off..

cut? no need to say.. just do it... i wish one day................... nvm..

2008-02-01T21:12:00.001+08:00

fark! fARK FAAARRRRK!!!!!!!!!!!FARK!!!!!!!!!!!!FARK eUU!!!!!!!!!!! aAaaRGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! k... i'm good...

2008-01-26T23:43:00.000+08:00

why do all good things come to an end? its not for us to judge nor decide.. like i said earlier.. i'm tired of catching up with his steps... today.. i had a choice to choose between far east or plaza sing gelare.. initially.. i chose fep.. den i change to ps.. i had no intention of seeing him at all.. Fatt juz wanted to go gelare.. fep is not convenient wen going hm.. besides... i'm minimising my conver. with him.. i did sth wrong today... which i feel so guilty even till now... wen we wanted to go off.. he asked..."not waitin for me? haha" he cud had meant in a joking way or really meant it.. my immediate ans was " hah! go and die.." i feel hurt if i were him... i'm sry.... but it juz came out... "wait"... y am i alwayss waiting for u? i waited 2 hours standing at same spot the day wen u wen silent and i said i wanted to meet u aft ur werk at sg.. we talked for 15 mins.. and i watch u walked away...... i waited outside ps several times to give u a surprise aft ur werk last time... but to no avail...... i waited for ur replies for days and weeks...but to receive no response... this isn't love... this is foolishness.. hah.... i was a mere rebound to u... but i gotta thank you.... all these are experiences which will makes me a stronger person huu will not succumb to such treatments anymore... fArk all shitty guys hu r out there to toy gurl's feelings.. face it wen u haf probs... not run away and go missing... and say sry aft tt.... y say sry wen u noe its wrong? i'm farkin hurt everyday wit tots of u linger in my head which refused to get out! i blanket my feelings very well in public.... at home i'm all liquidified... i dunno from wher i muster e courage to still see u even wen my goal is to rid u.. aft seein u... i'll go.." fArk! y did i even bother?!" n it adds on to my miseries.. monday.... my last time going over to him..... to pass him cig... aft tt.... he wans.... he come to mi.... i bet he got no guts to even come to mi... i'm hurt too deep........ i'm too hurt to carry on...

2008-01-19T22:18:00.000+08:00

rub rub rub...itchy eye.. heh

Its funny how human fall in love.. they're either confused by their own actions or they're expecting sth to turn out THEIR way which eventually NOT.. I voicing from a gurl's perspective.. No matter how sweet we go the extra mile for him, it is never felt.. I had someone i love sooooo much... despite wad i had gone thru... my feelings nvr change.. YET.. i dun have the strength to shoulder a relationship anymore.. it seems like i've surrender to fate if it prevails.. i dunno wad he is thinkin.. i'm confused... a part of me says i wouldnt go back to him if he asked.. a part of me says i'm not gonna let go again.. (well... it wasnt me hu let go in the first plc) BUT all these succumb to... him.... in the first plc.. does he treat me as a fren oni? if he is... perhaps its good.. no sadness.. no high bills... no quarrels... but.. no love.. recently, i've been stealing chances again to see him.. but today.. i realized... y am i always the one to be catchin up with his steps... ? i'm getting tired... i'm tired of catering to him.. wen is it my turn when i can actually feel touched by him? y am i the one goin to him and not he coming to me... ? i need to put a stop to all this.. i need to prove myself that i can live without him... i'm tryin not to send msges nor call him or meet him.. i'll end up more hurt.. i'm still recuperating from the fall i had.. but no matter how deep the wound is.. i still love him alot.. my heart has no room for others.. he stole the key.. the day he return me the key would be the day he found a new love.. (damn it) haha..

Anyway.. UPDATES! I've been in Nippon Express Pte Ltd for 1++ month? Dealing with logistics.. cargoes.... Major in tran-shipments.. i'm doing guud... work 6 days a week... sunday official off day.. 9-5.3opm..(by right) by left... on average.. 9-8pm... it depends on how heavy the work load is.. documentations are to be completed before we leave... latest was 12midnite.. i feel like bringing a tent and juz set it in my office.. urgh! working world realli haf no life.. wake up early... aft werk go home slp... if finish at 5.30.. reach home watch tv den slp.. thats my life.. boring... but lucky me.. its simple... juz imagine me in a rlnship... i pity the guy.. cuz i'll be too tired to go out.. and i'll knock out around 11plus to 12.. haha..

its 2317 alrdy... i think i'm gonna knock out alrdy.. very tired...guud nite everyone! i miss all my SP frenz, BDS frenz and gelare ex-colleagues... love u guys to bits & pieces!!! muAckxX!

2007-12-22T19:29:00.000+08:00

i'm just self-obsessed!!!!!!!!!!! whakakakaka!!

missin u

2007-12-21T19:10:00.000+08:00

when boredom strikes...

hAri raya haji.. me and danish!

day after day... i occupy myself with work.. from the time i wake up till late nite.. 6 days a week i slog my way to escape the sadness.. wen i'm home early, i'll slp... it'll all be alryt wen i wake up.. like Jab said..."Everything will b alryt...God have plans for all of us..." God had been punishing me for my misdeeds.. i'd nvr fall so sick till i tot i was gonna die somehow...(how stoopid) i tot to myself.. He can take wad He had given. till now, i resign to fate.. no doubt, i'm still hanging on to hope.. tho i noe it wouldnt give me the green lite.. everyday, i tot of him.. miss him.. hate him.. i'm juz confused.. i hate but love him still.. i couldnt open up my heart to anyone else.. perhapss.. i love him too deep...

but he answered to my questions which kept passing by my mind.. i'd finally realized all the while, i've been lovin him more than he loved me.. my sister taught me one thing.. Love doesnt exist.. its juz crushes or like..

i smiled whenever i see "heart-wrencher" beep on my hp.. but the tot of wad happened is realli heart wrenching.. i'm juz plain hurt.. emptiness filled me.. i hate him for makin me feel like a rebound, a momentary-pillar which recently dissipated.. i hate him for making me fall for him..i hate him for leaving juz like tat.. i hate him robbing me off the chance of being with anyone.. but i love him for every single moment we had previously.. it conquers everything..

i miss u baby...

wads love?

2007-11-19T02:53:00.000+08:00

wads the true meaning of love? it feels guud to be loved by the ones u love.. but it hurt most wen u're left stranded on the shelf by the ones whom u realli love. Love plays a major role in our lifes. It feeds us with 2 extreme feelings. u seek sanctuary by ur love ones' side... they r the ones hu make u feel at ease wen u're troubled. but wen the table turns around, they are the one hu pierce ur heart and wound u deep.. that's love. to get over it is equivalent to finding a pin in haystack... Love Hurts... how many times have u heard Love Rox? and how many times have u hear Love Sux/Hurts? most of the time Love hurts. But why r we choosing the path wen we noe what's waiting at the end of the road? the joy of having someone to walk with u thru that journey is tempting yet disappointing cuz they soon get tired and couldnt trust u that we will bring u to haven. during those few junctions of ur journey, the fear builts up cuz at every point, ur afraid he/she might choose to go the other way... and wen the fear arise, the other will think that there's no faith nor trust. Faith and Trust. we built one and the other crush it. hell... wad the fark am i talking?!

2007-11-11T17:01:00.000+08:00

Raindrops, Fall From, Everywhere

I Reach Out, For You, But Your Not There

So I Stood, Waiting, In The Dark

With Your Picture, In My Hands

Story Of a Broken Heart

Stay With Me

Don't Let Me Go

Cause I Can't Be Without You

Just Stay With Me

And Hold Me Close

Because I've Built My World Around You

And I Don't Wanna Know What's It Like Without You

So Stay with Me

Just Stay With Me

I'm Trying And Hoping, For The Day

When my touch is enough

To Take The Pain Away

Cause I've Searched For So Long

The Answer Is Clear

We'll be OK if We Don't Let It Disappear

the song expresses what i'm feeling now.. i feel damn shitty.... down the drain shittiness... i visualized myself running to gelare whenever i'm feeling shitty... but now... nvr... even if i run to gelare...hu can i turn to? my shittiness becomes more shitty... what am i suppose to do now? i'm feeling so..... urGh! ='( JINX JINX JINX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bOo~=(

2007-11-09T03:09:00.000+08:00

Each day seems like any other day to me.. i hog on the fone wit frenz, wasting my time on the net, goin out without a destination or motive.. having a bf(dunno if he regard me as his gf) is like not having one.. it feels as though i'm gradually drifting apart from my treasures.. I'm jobless and skooless... wad da fark! argh! sometimes i do wish i could go back to gelare.. at least i could work and not think of other things.. he.... haiya... think bout it makes me feel......dunno angry or wad... wad do i haf to do to make myself feel ok??? sometimes i wonder if in the first plc i'm ur gf... ppl ask if i'm attached... i said i am.. dunno if tts the correct ans.. arGh! i wonder if ppl ask him tt qn... wad his ans would be... i'm tryin to occupy myself wit all the things i could do to not think of u... cuz it hurts everytime i think of my plight.. do u realli love me? or r u juz recuperating from ur previous fall? i noe i'm not suppose to think tt way.. cuz i alrdy noe wad kind of situation ur in b4 i got close to u.. but i din noe it would affect me tis much.. perhaps i realli shuden fall too deep... i love u as it is.. i wait till u pick urself up fully den i'll learn to love u more..

i masked my expressions well.. i blanket my fear with the joyful tots.. i ignore nonsensical comments.. make me happy... i can be soft hearted... easily deceived by words.. taken in by lies.. bless me with decent joy.. i'll be thankful for tt.. prick me with ur nonsense.. i'll stab u with my silence.. dun try to open the pandora's box... it'll be horrible.. ArgH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-11-03T03:18:00.000+08:00

pls come and take tis pain away will u? as long as i'm jobless, my mind will nvr be at ease... gosh.. it's affectin the ppl arnd me wen i'm in this state.. i feel so cheated being in my ex werkplc.. the feeling is unexplainable.. oh gosh.. i need a new job soon.... get rid of all the stupid tots thats lingering in my head.. bloody hell..

i need to occupy myself with things to keep my mind at ease.. i also need to keep myself bz so i wont yearn for him... he's now a full timer.. i'm onli his part time gf.. on top of tt, he has to juggle his skool and its assignments.. tts tedious for him.. i juz pray he would be able to handle the stress that befalls upon him.. i dun ask for much.. juz rmb tt i'm here for him alwaes.. =)

be happy, stay happy, be happy, stay happy, be happy, stay happy........... i know i can do it..

i'm still considerng if i shud join starbux.. the interview is like in a few days time.. but i dunno wad to do..my mum doesnt wan me in fnb line.. she's afraid same thing hpns again.. she would prefer if i do office werk.. i would want to... but out of 14 applications sent out..oni 2 contacted me.. and.. both i cant do it.. c'mon...event coordinator?? gosh.. i cant even coordinate my life... and its oni a temp job.. if i got a perm offer halfway thru... den i'll regret my choice.. i wondering if i could juggle 2 jobs.. full time in office tt is 8.30-5, and nite at starbux... but my mummy laa... haiya!!!!! *groan* mayb i shud go relax... i wanna go to pulau ubin.... but ana not arnd anymmore.... hu wans to go wit me... my frenz are all skoolin.. i feel so pathetic... argh!!!!!

2007-10-23T00:39:00.000+08:00

days felt like yrs w/o u by my side...

wen to daddy's place today... celebrate his belated burfdae altho i alrdy celebrated wit him on his b'day itself at his werkplc.. miss daddy!! =) wen for dinner den wen to muni's hse to play wit her cats, fifi and smoky... very cute!! i wan a cat of my own!!!! den squeeze it everyday!! hehe.. den meet him and brought him to daddy's plc.. i noe he felt weird.. if i'd known better.. i shoudn't haf ask him to come.. so troublesome for him.. took cab back and forth.. i feel bad..

i got 2 job offers... one was starbux.. another was customer service executive.. once i can stabilize myself in another job.. i'll leave gelare.. i'm complacent at werk.. shitty stuffs, yea.. if i were to convert to full time.. it would be equal to jumpin into the bottomless pit.. black surrounding, anticipating doom in the end.. k laa.. its not tt bad.. juz tt sometimes, i wish i could start afresh.. knowing all of them for the first time.. not knowing hu they are... juz minding my own business.. at least.. i would b happie for a period of tym.. sry bosses... disappointing to hear all these coming from me.. but oh well... my feelings...

wednesday i'm goin ubin with ana.. go relax... release all problems.. enjoy the carefree life there... i dowan to think of anythin except being wit her.. i'm goin to miss her badly.. thursday going out with ana and xinyan.. juz hang out and chill... friday...back to werk.. sat werk, sun werk.. next week....... not sure... i'm still thinking wad schedule shud i gif.. chaoz!

2007-10-18T03:19:00.000+08:00

i cant believe it... zak is wit faiz?? at first.. wen i saw his msn dis pic.. i tot it was her.. but mayb juz look alike...besides... a pic can change someone's looks... so i din realli bother much.. till i saw the next pic... it realli look like her.. so i ask 'chee kueh'.. it is her... i dun feel jealous or wat.. but... y wit someone i noe???? the pic juz keep lingering in my head.. i dun care if he wans to be wit 100000 girls... so long none of them is someone i noe... i juz feel...... distraught! argh!!

selamat hari raya

2007-10-14T02:39:00.000+08:00

he was there... all the time... <3

End of first day of hari raya.. end of one whole day of stealing naps at every single houses i went. hehee. i was basically like a tree growing different breed of fungus everywhere i went. seems like all my relatives noe tt i'm no longer in poly. but, at least i had plans for my future.. my cousin.. isnt skooling... being fed on a silver spoon since young till now.. has no plans on her future.. i worry for her... her mum would pay for her private diploma.. but she doesnt want to study... how lucky can one get? if she were in my shoes, i think she would haf killed herself long ago... my uncle did a so-called "fortune-telling"... he was right.. my cousin is leading a good life with silver platters serves in front of her... even wen she is 40.. as for me.. he said i'm leading a miserable life... even wen i'm 50... i will still b miserable... that scares me tho.. i dowan to b miserable... now it maybe miserable.... but i hope in the near future, i'll b leading a good life.. oh well.... yea...

went to 4 houses today... rode bike with baju kurung!!! omg... i look damn 'unglam' lor!! with the kain pulled up... eeye.. missing him 1/3 of the time.. cuz the rest was juz napping arnd.. lol. he came to meet me even aft he got hm... i think he miss me laa... whahaha.. i feel bad leh... everytime he got to come down... next time, if i got a bike... my turn to go find u k? =) tmr i still gotta werk at 3... the tot of werk..... realli..... nvm.... it will be 'fun'! even if its not... i will make it looks fun.. lol. to all the muslims out there... Selamat Hari raya.. kalau tersilap kata atau terkasar bahasa, ku minta ampun atas segalanya.

everyone

2007-10-12T03:48:00.000+08:00

it hurts to remember the past. it hurts to noe i'm no longer in a poly. it hurts to lose contacts with frenz.. it hurts to remember the close frenz i had now no longer in contact.. till wen is it goin to haunt me? step out of your comfort zone. i kept telling myself tt. reminiscing the past realli made my tears roll.. and the further past past... worst.. till wen can i stop having depression? why cant i juz be sad and the next second be happie? is workin tt important? more important than studies? why din i prioritize my studies before werk? why must i haf such financial state? why must i like someone now? why must i be so soft in the inside and pretend to be strong on the outside? i dun wan to burst a flood suddenly in front of anyone.. not even one... why must i be betrayed? y did i put in so much trust in someone? and be betrayed over and over again? y am i so stupid? why is my mum like tt? why is my dad like tt? why are my parents like tt? y is my sister so hard-hearted? i syg u alot and u treat me like shit.. u need sth, i give u.. i give u the best and i take the worst. u crap around, i clear ur mess.. u mess around, i get e scolding. i swallow it cuz ur my sis. i still love u cuz ur my sis. u beat me, i hate u for a second, love u aft tt. u cant b bothered bout other feelings... i AM bothered by ur feelings..

daddy, ur other daughters disregard u... i treasure u.. u brought me into this world. Thank you. i wish i could be there every time u need someone.. ur sick, i'm hurt. u worked hard, i will too.

mummy, sry i couldn't help much at home. u said i took this house as a shelter to slp. i'm sry.. if i dun werk, hu's gonna pay for my skool fees? 99/100 times i clean the room. sis oni clean once. i get the shits from u.. and the reason is cuz she's werking... mummy, i dun party or do stupid things outside. i werk too. i'm physically strained and stressed at werk. u ask me to find another job cuz u dun like the time i come hm... i'm sry.. i wish i could do tt.. seriously! but wher can i find a full tiime job and negotiate my schedule due to my skool next yr? and could i adapt to it easily when i alrdy have gelare ways at my finger tips? i'm sry if i had been a sore in ur eyes..

atok... ur my one and only dearest atok i ever had.. i love u alot.... seeing u in this state, makes me wnna cry... but i had to be strong in front of u.. i rmbed wen i was young, u played wit me, u took care of me.. as i grow older, i forgot all tt... and neglected tt memories.. now.. it flash back every single moment... it distracts me all the time... i wanna be there 4 u everyday... rmb... i'm always there in ur heart.... it remains now till forever... i miss u.....

him... i miss u... i wanna help u stand from wher u had fallen.. brace up urself.. i could oni give u words of encouragement.. the rest is up to u.. she cannot be get rid from ur heart now... not until u open up ur heart to someone else.. it may not be me... but wadeva it is.. i gif u my blessings.. i'll be happie to see the word 'miseriz' on ur forehead gone.... smile like u mean it... dun put urself down.. u might be stupid in the past... but i'm sure 'people become cleverer from doing stupid things'.. u told me this... all the best...

izwan... i love u..as a fren... i cant return u the same feelings u haf for me... my heart has only 1 room.. its occupied.. i cant open it up to u.. i'm sry... i can treat u like a brother.. a close brother.. but pls dun treat me like ur gf... 'dear', 'miss u badly', 'darling'.... all these arent for me.. save it for someone better alrite? i miss those times wen u tease me, crap wit me.. joke wit me.. i could easily be sarcastic to u and u noe it was a joke... pls revert back to the old times.. misses..

hanifah.... wake up... stop thinking too much... it just tear u apart.. be the bubbly gurl u used to b.. smile like there's no such things as 'worries'. be tough..

back

2007-10-01T03:09:00.000+08:00

i juz dun understand!!!! i dowan to b part of it..but everytime it happens... i got to b part of it!!!! ='( i'm juz a worker.. spare me........ i can lend a listening ear... it gets digested... i wun come out from my mouth... i listen to both sides... i dun take sides.... its not wrong to listen to both ryt??? i admit i can go crazy... but for the sake of sharing e burden, i dun mind... tts y i dun trust anyone... i dunno hu to believe.... i juz listen... i have views bout ppl too... some... really diff from hu i used to noe... not b cuz i heard from ppl... but i saw it for myself... the onli person i trust is 'baby ultraman'... he noes wen i'm down.. he can sense i have lots of tots rushing thru my head... but certain things...i simply couldnt say... cuz its my own point of view... its not right to share judgement bout others to other ppl.. i dunno wad awaits me next... i juz hope....... i'm not part of it... i dowan to b involve...pls..........=(

2007-09-12T03:35:00.000+08:00

nvr i felt so sucky till today... guys.. i wun be blogging here anymore.. i found a better plc to release my tots.. and it will be a private blog.. oni some ppl will have access to it.. cuz i have a feeling, my blog have been read thru by ppl whom i dun wish to c.. bye bye to here... last post!

2007-09-03T03:14:00.000+08:00

i felt so much happier wen i was having my off days... tho..i do prefer working than skooling)i noe i shud'nt be thinking tt way)... off day seems to be much more appeasing to myself.. finally had time for myself and frenz.. so far..i've been shifted to FEP and PS(this week).. i haven felt any happiness and joy werking there... SG has always been my 2nd hm.. nth beats working at SG... i noe its time for experience at other outlets since i hadnt been shifting for quite awhile... but adapting to other places now isn't my thing.. perhaps.. there must b some reasons behind it.. which! i wouldnt think so much... anywayss...next week would b a little hectic on my schedule.. i dun haf time for myself.. even on fri i cant realli rest cuz i having cls outing... which! i cant avoid since i'm the chairperson.. hai...i wonder wads ps like.. a more demandin plc? or ...wad? dunno laa... haiya.... rumours been goin around.... it isnt healthy to others including the firestarter... cuz if i noe hu started it.... i wouldnt have a guud impression of him/her... furthermore... sense of resentment will build up... its best if at times ppl juz practice MYOB... it doesnt hurt to juz shhh bout wadevva doesnt concerns u.... i realli hate it man!! could i juz get back the old wrkplc where ppl isnt as complicated as now... ? even at FEP... i tot i could blend in till i saw and heard sth which puts me off... its so fake!!! i no longer bother to care bout blending in... i'll juz go werk... do my job.. and bye bye... tats it... results for exams releasing soon... i shall cross my fingers and hope to survive my mum... darn! banana it man.... its 3.26am.. gt 2 slp...later werkin at ps at 1pm.. dowan to b late again... later leave bad impression on others.. chaoz

2007-08-19T03:19:00.000+08:00

all i do in here is juz complain bout my life.... oni 5% of my blog is bout happiness... to me... i can nvr let out my sorrows with true emotions to anyone... not even my best fren or family... i'd rather stay in solitude and feel remorse for myself... my life now revolves around werk... i've neglected my studies and my family for sth which is about to slip off from my clutch.. looney and joker is wad ppl think of me.. but deep inside... wad are my true feelings? i masked em quite well by being a clown who holds the smile in U-shaped... sometimes, wen time passes by, i realise, i couldnt hold it there for long... it simply drops wen i'm pondering... nowadaes, i think alot... and daze till ppl haf to call my name to shake me.. things aint going the right path for me right now.. i juz hope one day... someone would be there to remove the emptiness and overlaps the sorrows with joy... that someone i'm waiting for... is a fren to listens more than to gif advices which doesnt make sense.. to listen is different from to hear... i listen to my frenz problem... i put myself in their shoes... and most of the time... opinion doesnt seek me... i onli feel wad they feel and realize i'm clueless even wen i'm in their position... thats y most of the time, i dun share my tots towards their problem... cuz it became a problem to me too... a problem doesnt depict an instant ans... addition to it.. seeking for solution takes time... i mellowed down myself to a certain degree to achieve a sensible ans.. but, it cant seem to vomit out a reality... fantasize is my hobby.. drama is my game.. stoopid..is my name....

sUckieSt dAy

2007-08-17T02:03:00.000+08:00

if it hadnt been for me... this wouldnt be in sucha big mess... i'm a jinx... if i hadnt been stuck in waffles stn wit zoey, and if i hadnt been scooping i/c all the while, jamil wouldnt have notice it. if i hadnt shown my letargic face, ppl wouldnt think i'm super tired... if i had smiled, ppl wouldnt think my hand is suaN. if i hadnt been close with jamil and edith, ppl wouldnt have misconception that jamil pamper me... if i hadnt open my mouth and said anythin to xuan... zoey wouldnt think tt think too much... if i had quit long time ago... all these would haf come to this stage... there are things which doesnt point to me directly.... but if things were to round up... i'm the cause of it... i should juz mind my own business at werk and werk fer the sake of working... i wish i could turn back time and tender my resignation wen Ave did... at least i wouldnt haf to go thru this... i feel bad for jamil who haf to swallow this and lower his pride... could i haf at least share a little burden? i would feel abit better if some of it would point to me directly... this is taxing for me and for all of us... edith always say we are a team... no one is on their own... i work with zoey as a team mah... she does pouring and taking out while i scoop... nth's wrong... thats how we werk mah... why does jamil haf to say tt to her... and worst... xuan told zoey saying i said that she chased me out of waffle stn... doesnt tt put me in a spot??? i merely said tt i'm doing dining now..zoey's doin waffle on her own... if im in zoey's shoes..i would be angry too... now i've been pull into the picture... not onli tt... zoey thinks tt jamil likes me... she will not b surprised if we r together... how could she tt.... i see jamil as my manager and he take me as a lil sis... it hurt me to think tt she keeps pulling me into the picture juz to get her words justified. i may not seem affected by the situation in front of others... but i am affected by it alot... it all started with me... i just want the best for everyone... i want to adapt and blend in to their culture... to love and be loved by everyone juz like anyone... but i juz couldnt... ave and ana, my souls... left alrdy...shortly aft, riaaz, debbie, munira, shouzi, nicole, jerry all left... and den recently, sheena left... leaving me and xuan e old birds... we have no more say... the outlet is in the hands of others.. i dun mind laa... talking bout xuan... though i like her..(as a fren), she gets on my nerves at times... she cares for me wen i'm really sick or down.. but wen i'm well.. u and nicole shoot me right left up down... i noe im a joker to u guys... but there's always a limit to one's patience... i can joke with u... but if u keep on it for long time... it gets on my nerves.. wen edith told me tt she realize xuan and nicole like to gang up to shoot me... she immediately took a disliking for nicole... im always the butt of all jokes... i hate ppl hu llike to b fake in front of me... and then wen sms me... tryin to show ur concern.... i'm sorry... u pissed me off alryt... u can act as if i'm invisible in front of u... den show ur sympathy in msg... f*** u.... ur so fake... i have no one to trust in gelare... to be frank... i dun trust anyone... i can be close with edith and jamil... but they haf yet to gain my trust... the person i trusted most had left gelare... i missed her badly... i want the old gelare back... but fate is all in God's hand.. accept is wad we are to do.. hai.........

2007-07-30T23:51:00.000+08:00

many many days with nth updated.. now, i feel like pouring out everything thats weighing inside me.. recently.. i had a test... or shud i say, i'm SUPPOSED to sit for a test namely, FOOD MICROBIOLOGY. apparently, the sad part is... i din get to sit for it... i entered the cls late... that FcKing woman namely J**m*n* *****.. said "ur not allowed to sit for the test.. " i said with a cool face but raging inside "okie lor..." den walk out of the room... damn CB ryt.. i was damn angry..... i stayed up all night studying... and couldnt sit for it...i noe tt she doesnt like me... cuz i gave her lots a problem.. but dun pick on me wen it comes to test!!! dammit... i tot i could pull thru this module.. but given the bloody situation... i doubt i can... and i SWEAR i'm not turning up for this module exam... wads the point?? i already noe i flung...

work environment has change TREMENDOUSLY i must say... the siglap 'gelare love' is no longer there...everyone one by one left.... now...siglap left with me and xuan... xy got transferred to east coast... and siglap have been taken over by Troy.. at first... situation sounded so bad... but then... aft i werk wit her... i find tt... she's not tt horrible as many said.. juz tt there is still a wall between siglap ppl and Plaza sing ppl... their style is so diff... and wantin to make frenz and hope to werk together as a family seems tough.. haiz... many things change.. i dunno how to handle.. gosh..

sunday...aft i ended my shift.. me and xuan waited for sheena for like 1hr and 15 mins... den we went to east coast Fisherman's Village for dinner w xy, sheena, xuan, nicole and me... den me, nic and xuan got high.. hahaha..(pLS..not on drugs or liquor!) we walked back to gelare... and during their closing, we played those clubbing music.. me and nic started dance like no one's business... dun care ppl outside see.. hahaha... den slowly... xuan start joining.. haha.. took lotsa pictures.. stoopid pics i must say.. den... my hp batt wen flat.. ok.. nvm.. den we wen to kembangan park to slack till 3.15am.. singing..swinging..dancing..smoking...crapping.. den wen home.. den..i tried opening the door... DAMN!! it was locked from inside.. onli the last person would lock..and tts usually me.. damn!! my hp batt flat...no one can open door!! i slp outside my house.. at first felt eerie.. den.. too tired to think...so juz slpt.. den around 7.30am.. my mum came out.. she was shocked! she said.. why u slping outside???!! i said door locked and batt flat.. den she went in and scolded my sis... whakaka... at first i felt angry.. den wen i heard my sis kena scolding.. i felt happy.. hahahahahaha.. sadistic.. but! too bad.. u lock me outside.. den i walk to my room and slpt like a dead log..

den... woke up... today.. i lost my hp at parkway... dammit... i lost the 2nd time.. i was soooo fed up wit myself......... wen to play pool to kill off that feeling... lucky i win all 3 rounds.. if not.. confirm more angry.. hahhaa..but... then again... i lost contact with the outside world... sad ryt.. yea..not for u of cuz..!! for me laa! tmr, tue, is my presentation and test.. EXCEL... omg.. hahaha.. for presentation, i requested to do individual.. lucky tcher allow... so..tmr is the day.. pray hard!

2007-07-04T23:56:00.000+08:00

14th july... i'm still pondering if i shud go... wad if i see him...? but on the other hand.. i got the urge to see him.. but on the other hand... i dunno how to face him!! hai.... but i realli wanna see him... and chat like how we used to.. but i dun think tt will b possible... but... i dowan go... but i wan go.. i dunno................................

2007-07-02T03:24:00.001+08:00

today, wen out wit ah bel jie.. altho was sick..but she made my day.. but my day wen bad again.. i dunno wad is his prob! eeww~!! plsssss..... arrrghhhhh~!!!!!!!!!!

FaRk uP day

2007-06-29T11:20:00.000+08:00

i dunno whr to begin... dere's too many things tts goin on... but which is the most drastic one?? seems like most of them are on par... juz imagine...one day... u woke up late for test... walk till the roadside... and a few minutes later... turn back and walk home cuz u feel tt ur gonna get ur attack wen u reach there... test starts at 9.. and ur still at hm wen its 8.45am... gone case... and u onli learn topic 1 and 2.. topic 3.. u dun even haf the handout cuz u nvr attend lectures.. wads d point of goin for the test even? to prove to the lecturer that ur the worst student in cls? well... u alrdy achieve tt.. therefore.. for food preservation test 1... my mark is 0...

on the very same day... ENVSTA test results are released online.. wen u went to check... u couldnt understand a shit! out of 100... u managed to attained 1/5 of the marks... how 'happie' can one get?

earlier, b4 these 2 incidents, ur bf msged u... suspecting sth's not right wen u msg ur old old crush hu juz happens to be an aquaintance of urs.. where's the trust gone to? did it wen for a walk and nvr came back? u were alrdy so worried wen he din reply back the night b4.. thinkin he might be angry... so u kept on msgin.. and still no reply... and ur tots suddenly ran wild... God.. help me.... its like a big boulder come crashing on u from the top...

after all these things tt happened... u tried msging the person whom u always turn to first... den.. she said she is goin out with her friend... its not tt u dislike her fer tt... but if u were in her shoes, uu would accompany the one hu needs u more at tt time and compensate another day... but then again.. different ppl might haf different view... a promise said, is a promise made... haiz.... i juz need to be alone NOW... my mind is in a whirl.... whr have all the ppl i need gone to? maybe i need to do some soul-searching..

after all... xin yan is always there for me....

2007-06-25T23:55:00.000+08:00

our ties are broken.. our paths seems parallel to one another... nvr would we have a chance to cross each others' paths again... sometimes, my heart juz wanna haf a peek at ur journey of life... wondering if there's someone accompanyin u by ur side during ur journey.. even wen i ardy noe for the fact tt there's someone holding ur hand and guiding u thru, i dunno wads the feeling i felt... i cant help it for feeling this way!!! altho i noe we're thru, and i'm alrdy walking my journey with someone new.. reminicing the past wen i saw u... this is bad... i shuden be selfish.... selfish towards him... and towards my companion.... its time i put down all my memories wit him and walk ahead and dun look back....

2007-06-24T04:59:00.000+08:00

as i sat at the back at the alley... my heart started to wrench... i could hardly catch my breath.. yearning for my medicine which UNFORTUNATELY i din bring... usually, i had it with me everywhere i go.. mayb cuz i was late fer werk... i wanted to call my sis to bring it down... by then... i would have died of 'squeezed-heart'... ave asked me to sit outside and rest.. breathe fresh air.... it wasnt helpin... so i had to bear with it all the way at werk... felt better aft awhile... haiz..... i wonder... y muz i suffer from this... too much sins.. i cant rely on medicine all my life... fArk man...urgH!

later in the night aft werk.. wen out wit my sis and her bf.. it was her burfdae.. i haven get her anythin yet...waiting for payday..im like totally broke.. tts y i dun realli wanna go out.. and besides... i'm tired... very very tired.. i dunno how much my eyebags weigh...

faiz found someone he loves alrdy... im happie for him... i hope.. he realli treasure her alot... and hope he'd forget me.. forget the past... and forge ahead... cuz the past would oni drag hiim down and as a fren.. i wouldnt wanna see him fall.... embrace ur life with the happiness u haf now.. god bless u..

my nut fren is havin rlnship crisis.. i couldnt realli help her much... oni lend a listening ear... and give some tots... i hope she'd feel better aft letting it out... i dowan her to end up breaking down.. its not a very nice feeling... i wish i could be there for her wen she needed someone... and not think tt there's nobody there..i'm juzt 8 numbers away... take care gal...

2007-06-17T05:13:00.000+08:00

pls dun leave me... :( i'm all scared now...

2007-06-15T05:59:00.000+08:00

he's e one...
comfort and security is wad i seek..status and intellectual wise doesnt realli bound me up... trust me and love me... hate me if u must.. dun put up a fake front... be urself.. cuz i like ppl to be themselves... not hiding emself in a nutshell and pretending to someone they're not.. as for me.. i'm in love with this sotong.. but... lack of confidence in expressing myself well... my expression may NOT be exactly wad i feel.. all i hope is juz we can decide for ourselves wad we realli wan.. initiative is wad i lack.. oh..wtheck.. i realli dunno wad i realli wan... all i noe is tt he belongs to me!!! whakakakakaka..

2007-06-12T05:07:00.000+08:00

shagged, tired and aching all over... wen to simpang to eat cuz it was jon's last day of werk... i msged him to ask him if he wanna go simpang wit khai and aft tt i'll join em... wah.. he realli came.. lol.. i took quite some time b4 i could excuse myself from the group to join him.. sat for a while and he wanted a stick... no no no.. was my answer.. i'd oni give him the very end of the stick..(whakakakaka) and then.. wen to eastwood.. cuz we got nth to do and slackin at simpang.. not tt nice feeling.. i din noe he brought his bike... haiyo.. already so rabak still wanna bring it out.. we slacked at the same spot.. talk crap.. and listen to mp3... den he shocked me wit a question(which i wouldnt say) my heart suddenly stop... wah.. at tt point... i realli needed my medicine sia!!! but nvm... tahan awhile..... den... to find out the truth... i wanted to jump up and down like an idiot... (k...tt was a lie) i nvr felt so happie... my kai xing guo is permanently MY kai xing guo... wuahahahaha... i dunno how he felt... but i realli was overjoyed till i got no reaction.. whakakakakaka.... okiee laa....its late... 4.15Am 12 june 07 was the mark made on me... nitee!

2007-06-04T04:53:00.000+08:00

today... he came to my werkplace.. his fren zac, bluff me.. say he fell off his bike... inside me was like..." OMG.... " and stunned... i was scared.. lol.. den wen he came.. he told me his fren was juz pulling my legs.. idiot ryt.. i was happy dat i was too lazy to werk actualli.. den we sat at the alley behind and talk.. hehee... den aft he wen off.. i was flooded with orders... very shagged.. later in the night, he text me... ask me out for supper... of cuz i seized the chance.. hehee... he wanted to pick me up.. but i said nvm... cuz i was sticky and smelly.. hahaha.. den wen we reached simpang... he ate but i juZ drank teh peng.. hahaha... he said might as well dun come down.. lol... juz wanted to see him wat....... den he offered to send me home... i said dowan.... cuz i was sticky and smelly... hahaha... he insisted... so did i~~! hahaha.. in the end... i walked home from simpang... aft he got home.. i asked if he could accompany me talk on the fone... b4 tt.. this was wad i typed on my hp...

i had my great times wit him.. he can make me smile like not many could.. i seized every moment i had wit him.. my true feelings for him, i do not show..i treat him like no other frenz i haf.. but my feelings for him is like for no one else.. perhaps tat is wat secret love is.. having to swallow e true feelings but have no guts to show.. his soft spoken self and his looks have amazed me.. his smile makes my heart awake.. wanting to noe more bout him.. and be his other half.... but, is tat possible? every chances i get to meet him, i wouldnt miss it.. even if i'm totally shagged or not feeling well... cuz...... till wen can it last?? wad if he found his other half of his life?? i wun get many of this chance... or even... none.... y din i get to noe him earlier?? y is time always my obstacle??i feel so guud wenever his name pOps on my hp screen.. he's like my kai xing guo... my sa gua... my bai chi...

he nvr pillion gurls b4.. and he actualli doesnt wan to... but he said i would b his first gal pillion... he doesnt mind.. i felt so happie wen he said he doesnt mind...but i still dare not take.. he like to feel bad over small things.. i treat him to gelare stuffs... and he felt bad... wen i left the money on the table to pay for my drinks.. he din wanna take.. so i wanted to put in his helmet.. he swifted, and the money drop on the floor.. so i picked it up.. and he felt bad.. LOL... very sotong kind.. hehee....

im hAPPY!!

2007-06-02T06:17:00.000+08:00

hahaha... guess wat??? 31st may - 1st june was my happiest moment... i shared my time with someone who was abit unique, i can say... we knew each other's existance like, years back in secondary sch... but, it was more of a frequent stranger... yesterday i hung out with him... we played pool.. altho he's not realli good at it... he was quite a patient person... i was tryin to be as stupid as can be.. but cant la... hold cue means c rious... hahaha... den we walk to east coast from parkway... he rode his bike to parkway.. so i told him i meet him at east coast then he can ride his bike there... but his 'gentlemenass' (no such word) carried him forward and said, its okie... we walk there.. later walk back then take my bike.. we were silent most of the time... but i like the quietness.. somehow, i feel so relax being with him... we sat at a bench.. joke and riddles vommitted out.. den silent... i realli dun mind silent.. altho it was awkward.. i scared i bore him.. hahaha.... den.. we walk at the beach.... wrote words on the sand... sth like "hope _ _ _ _ _ _ 's stomachache go away soon! " hahaha... sometimes... he made me feel secured... sometimes...not! hahaha... somehow.. if ever he does sth which i always wanted a guy to do, i will fly high!!!! hahaha... he's half way thru meeting my mark.. but this simple yet many guys doesnt do, will touch my real deep... it once happened to me... but... i oni see him as a fren.. do sth to make me feel touch... he was coughin away.... he's sick..yet he came down to slack wit me... so... wen he said he wanted to go to the restroom.. i said i go 7-11 awhile to get sth... so i wen to get a bottle of water for him... i pass him e bottle... IF i am him.... i would feel real touch!! tat's e kind of feeling i wanna get... i dun wan to ask u to do it for me... but on ur own accord... do it... INITIATIVE... yea man.... hahaha... gUuD NiTE!!!! =D=D=D=D hehee

sudden feel

2007-06-02T06:14:00.000+08:00

damn!!! i miss him!!! the R guy i mean... i feel like msgin him, feel like calling him... lol... wad can i do???

2007-05-29T04:59:00.000+08:00

yesterday wasnt a pretty good day for me... i din wanna break down... all the unhappiness juz came and causes a burst for me... i din slp that nite.. had to finish up the leftovers for Food chemistry A project on aspartame... i've done my part.. but somehow i was surprised tt it wasnt finished on sunday itself... so i ask gal A to send me e file...i complete em... i din expect myself to take 3 hours to finish it... i notice tt mostly the work were copy paste.. but if i were to edit... i realli dun haf to study for my 'supposedly' 2 tests... aft finishin my project, i wen to study for food chem A test... apparently, guy B msg us all tt food chem A test for the day was cancelled... i left with juz 1 hour to study for FOODMI test.. obviously, i din get to read up all the notes cuz i had to prepare for skool.. i reached class very late... everyone alrdy had the eyes on their papers... i sat on the other side of the table which i usually sat.. i ardy noe tt i had not much time.. i couldnt think... all the questions seems foreign to me... i realli had the nervousness build up... dr T alrdy collected the rest of the papers and distributed to others the papers.. meaning other ppl mark our paper... unfortunately, my paper fell into the hands of guy C.. little did i noe tt i was gonna be the only failure... i was very upset... upset with myself at first...for not studyin.. but, dr T shouldnt have make it so obvious tt i'm the only failure... its like a slap of humiliation.. i left cls e moment he said we can go... i seek for haven...toilet.... lock myself up in a cubicle and cried... a few mins later... girl gang D came in... talk about the paper... talk bout the one and only failure... another slap of mockery... i couldnt help but cried more... i feel so out of place... i dun belong in this course... i dun belong to this skool... i was expecting at least a call from gal A or gal E... maybe to ask where am i AT LEAST...since im always with them.. but later to realise all the while i'm a puzzle piece which tries to fit into the whole puzzle without realising that i'm cuttin a part of myself to fit in... instead, a call was received by this small gal NUT... i was touched.... to think my own close frenz couldnt be bothered with me but this frenz whom had been in same class as me since day 1 of poly and not tt close to, is more concern... is the one hu lend me a shoulder to cry on... i couldnt hold back my tears... i cried till i soak gal F's sleeve with my tears...gAl NUT is concerned too...i can sense it.. but i noe she doesnt noe how to express it.. i understand.. cuz i'm juz like tt... wen she cried the other day.. i realli dunno wad to do... but i realli wanna help...

*before skool*
i wanted to go skool... so i ask my mum if she could lend me $ for transport... cuz i realli was broke...she went into her room and gave me$5-note and 3 $2-notes... den i heard my little brother crying.... sayin "dun take my money", "dun take my money"... den i asked my mum, y are u taking his money... her reason was she had no small change and tt she will return back the money to him... but i believe tt she actualli got no more allowance to give me... i feel so bad... i shouldnt be takin his money and left him cryin terribly... i gaf him back his money and told him "dun cry... i wun take ur money okay?" my mum say its ok... but i realli dowan... so i left house with wadeva i had... i think alot during my journey to skool... is my family tt broke? seems like i cant quit my job even if i want to... my mum and stepdad are jobless... i wonder how the money came by... savings wun last long... can they at least find a job and STOP telling me " dunno if i will live long to see my son work...." it realli upsets me... it made me think of death is the onli alternative way... my biological dad is sick... but at least he got a job... altho he's juz a cleaner... wen i realli go broke... i dunno hu to turn to... my mum doesnt work... my dad is onli a cleaner hu doesnt earn much... but i oni ask them for transport $.. i dun mind not eating.. i juz need to go skool... skkoll!! juz need to go SKOOL!!!!!!!!! skool!!!! work makes me tired... but i cant quit..cuz i need $ to carry on with skool... without work, i cant go skool... such irony...

i'm seeking a place to call haven.. but i feel insecure everywhere i turn to.. she, whom i turn to most of the time, last time, is no longer there when i turn to my left or right... she has entered a world full of ppl who cares for her and she cares for... perhaps, if she take a step back...she might catch a glimpse of me, in tears... fighting her way out to catch hold of me, but found me gone by then... every now and then she prays for me... her soul is by my side, lookin aft me.. caring for me.. but her body is among the midst.. perhaps we had somehow switch shoes... i was like her previously.. now, she's like me.. but wenever i'm down, she's the first person i tot of.. but wun tell her, lest she'll be worried.. tmr is her burfday.. but i'm celebrating in advance with her later.. cuz i bet her classsmtes must have special arrangement for her on her burfdae itself.. i tot i could be the one to celebrate with her first this yr.. till my colleague told me tt she turned up at siglap gelare with her frenz.. and to find out she alrdy celebrated last sunday with someone else.. den it strikes me tt i'm not tt close to her as ??? is to her... recollections of wad happened in sec skool flash in me.. i have no right to tell her hu to prioritize.. she holds the key.. she makes the decision.. everyone has their own key that belong to themselves.. it shouldnt fall in the hands of others.. anyway.. happy 18th burfday ah bel jie....

yo Yo yo!!

2007-05-14T01:12:00.001+08:00

hahaha.. i'm soooo tired lately.. werkin and skooling... bla bla bla... and recently i got freaked out by my werk place.... very scary... got hantu.. wuahahaha... scared sia~~... currently talking to some idiot.. hu always so SArCASTIC towards me!... >.<>

Long long time

2007-05-09T15:28:00.000+08:00

4th week of skool isnt any better... many many reports and tutorials comin flowing.. unlikely it will stop till i end poly... damn... hmmm.... i detest goin to work lately... i haven been slpin well.... due to werk.. cuz i cant finish all my reports on time..i have to stay up late... tmd... ArGh! new skool, new frenz... but old ones remain.. lol... had to mingle... but time is the bloody factor... damn.. my lab partner, max... hahaha.. he's replacing hidayah's place... die die gotta stick to me thru out whole prac... wuahahaha... in our cls... 04 and 03... me, lina and surya each haf eye candy in our buddy cls... one called "picit" for lina, one is "belo" for surya... and "baby face" for me! tat's it! gtg werk!damn damn damn

Happie Valentine's Day

2007-02-15T14:23:00.000+08:00

hPy vDay peeps! 2 consecutive years i spend my v dae at werk...farkin shit.. yesterday was my worst dae at werk.... i was given 2 trainees and 1 staff hu doesnt werk at night often... so... everythin was sLOW and LOW.... the philipino trainee realli suck my blood sia! and some customer juz dun understand tat the fact that i lack manpower.. and everythin was abit cock up... argh! fuming mad sia ystd... nvm.... its over(for valentine)... but CNY coming... another shitty day....i already werking 7 days a week... argh argh argh...

SPAC2GO ah.... haiyah.... goodness.... how??? their TDC head is a farking bitch... deactivate her pls! she cant commit herself to the club laa..she got other committment... damn...

exams over... now oni fear the results and the option i get into...pls...i dowan polymer... i se;ect the silliest option... food, i.c, polymer.... if cant get into food, confirm cant get i.c wat... stoopid sia..i shud try i.c first den food... eh... cannot.... if ppl choose food first, den they get it first....okok...i did a correct choice. muahahaha..

yesterday, i gaf ave 2 blue and 1 white rose...she got no reaction sia... walao...and it cost me 15 bucks sia... but i juz wanna haf the feeling of valentine's day... whakakaka...stoopid shit.... steph gaf me a purple rose and a cute heart shaped cake.. hahaha...thank dear... but not fair... u get a dozen roses!! best part is its white and PURPLE!!!!!! hahaha... hope u had a great time with ong yesterday...

yesterday... i msg faiz happie valentine's... no reply... well.. i expected it.... since my all my previous msges all came with no replies till now... k laaa....... enuff of him... gtg weerk..bye.

bOo!~

2007-01-24T00:12:00.000+08:00

Aft sooo long... i lazy to update altho i got 1000001 to say.... skools over...say hello to exams... hellO! bitch! arGh! nvm.. i'm gonna study hard hard and get at least a GPA of more than 1... whakakakaka..... to everyone... guud luck!!!

2006-12-16T17:19:00.000+08:00

there it where i stand.. a world apart from euu...
FINALLY!!!! term break... hehee... hmmm... however... work work work.. no money cannot enjoy.. whakakaka... anyway... its also the period where i do my catching up of my studies since i've always been slping and coming late for cls... kekekeke! tell u a secret... PRINCESS HOUR is a very nicee show!!!! oh man... i'm reallie touched by the production... wow... but i hope the ending part..she not pregnant with other guy's baby.. oopS! hahaha..k.. i'm talkin nonsense... OH NO! chun fen link to my blog! PLS dun mistake me for a bisexual... lol..i say u cute cuz u r realli cute... whakakakaka... i like oogle my eyes at cute guys and gurls... but not ah lians and ah beng or WORST still.... MAts and MinaHs... i juz realized.. i'd been in a rlnship with a Freakin MaT! wtf... eeewww.... i'm so disgusted.... eeww eeww eeww!!! oh man.. i feel lyk pukin now... argh..well thanks to him.. 3/4 of himself has been erased off my mind... whakakakakaka... i'm searching for some kiind of a miracle.... a kind which no one noes one would search for.. i came across these quote " A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do "... cool man... whakakaka.. anyway... i gtg prepare fer werk.... chaox

2006-12-09T03:30:00.000+08:00

look at my stoopid eye... Naproxen pill did this to me... i'm gonna sue the doc man...... lol... i din noe i got drug allegy... i rmb it happened before...but i tot i was allegic to dust.. and i tot it was the dust until today..at werk..i was havin a bad headache..i took naproxen... and aft a while...my eye start to swell... eeww.. k.. tt's all..

2006-12-05T00:50:00.001+08:00

i haven been havin the time to blog... i oni haf time to watch tv and study and do assignments, reports and presentaions...cca wif many things.. i resort to my old self..i have no more confidence in myself to stop.. now tt i'm single...i nid not wry bout my health... well..wen i was attached...i din bother to.. lol... whr shud i begin.... no whr laa....lazy to type out... nite!

he made me realize hu he realli is

2006-12-01T02:18:00.000+08:00

i chat wit him a few minutes ago... i TOT he would not let go so easily... i was wrong... he started to find girls thru frenster and add many pretty ones... den he ask me juz now... "u want ur fairy back?" fairy is my dearest tortoise i gave him... he kept it with him... den i ans back"u can have it or juz throw away..." his reply was" throw? oh... ok..." i feel so hurt... tears deep inside... my heart had been stabbed again.... nvm... i got to move on.... i'm not goin to stand there till i get wad i wan... i will carry on wit my journey of life... till the day comes wen i face no more path but dead ends.... to complete tis obstacle..i must say... its not easy... but wit courage and determination... i will make it one day... but i got to be careful of hu to trust... some ppl r juz not meant to keep secrets... all i wanna say is... i may lose a deal today.... but i'll build up my skills to clinche on to another..one day....

2006-11-17T02:33:00.000+08:00

oh man.. i miss the feeling of having a bf... here i am studying and workin 2 jobs.. i'm tryin to keep myself occupied by not thinkin abt it... somehow.. i still look out for CUTE GUYS and GIRLS!! muahahaha... today at werk(pool spot)... this girl she talk to me.. she say i look like chinese..can i speak chinese? i speak chinese better or malay? am i half blood? hahaha... she's cute.. she's not younger than me of cuz.. she's around 19 - 22... very cute.. another person i find cute is CHUNFEN!!! hahaha.. tat girl is really cute and bubbly... blur but cute... hahaha.. tats fer girls.. fer guys... surya's spsu papa and his fren... wow... i melt wen i see them... whakakakakaka.... kidding.. but their realli cute... oh man.. can i b the gf? omg.. i sound so desperate... no laa... but ya laaa... wateva laa... crap.. hai.. hav to complete my drama assignment... sux man... i dun even feel like going for drama tml.. tmr werkin at gelare.... sat werkin at pool spot.. sunday got meeting then racky pasir ris to ecp.. monday skool.. tues werk at gelare.. wed werk at pool spot... thurs microbio PAPER... fri werk at gelare.. sat werk at pool spot..sun werk at pool spot.. that's my life... sian sian sian.. i'm waiting for my scars to fade... not totally.. but at least fade... so tat i can reprocess the whole thing again! muahahahahaha! farker.. no laa... i'm goin 2 stop cutting.... and start stoning.... well...i alrdy started! muahahaha... k.. i'm nuts... gtg...

2006-11-16T15:50:00.000+08:00

today i feel so letargic... during prac i slpt for half an hour... during math i slpt another half an hour.freaking tired sia... darren called me down to werk at pool spot today... i took off cuz i wanna do my drama assignment... but i think he tired laa... so i help out... at nite den do my drama... yadot ton a doog yad... onnud y i teg dloc sredluohs morf ym zdnerf.... fuck it....

2006-11-09T02:57:00.000+08:00

where's tt special someone wen i need someone the most?? can that special being be by my side wen i need tat someone? i called off my relationship wif him.... better off as frenz... he's not that special someone hu's there fer me most of the time... i'm being unfair cuz i accepted him wen i know fer the fact he wun be by my side most of the time... accepting is one thing... going thru it is another... everything seems so dark and misty... i try to get out of it... tryin to picture a bright and radiant world... but i'm juz deceiving myself further... stop lying to myself....

2006-11-09T02:38:00.000+08:00

Mummy and daughter... love.... sorry brother not here... no hab his pix..

i left with my head hanging low.. shame filled me... hatred grows within me.. love dissolved as fast as can be... cutting strucks me.. guilt stop me... disappointment surrounds me... defeated i feel...

happiness barely exist in my dictionary... i wrote secrets in my diary.. thousands of pictures described my feelings... no words could express the agony... my bottle is almost to its brim... no other bottles could withstand my emotions.. all i feel like doing is simply scream.... tormenting myself down and within... scars are all i've left... past not to be remembered yet physically reminded... i've myself to blame... but no one could ease the pain..

to share is one thing... the express is another... i can be stubborn... but i my heart is brittle... bruises and scars are made in my heart... no one could see it nor feel the cut... bit by bit, i'm cutting down... but more will come wen truths are found...

today finally wen to police to report my lost of atm, skool admin and ez link cards... aft 1 week den i report.. so dumb... no time laa... today rush fer EC&C meeting... walao... din noe got alot of things to do... but i'll give my best since i'm given the task... and i embarrassed myself alot today... firstly, wen i reach meeting late... and i sat down.. i drop my hp... consecutively, i drop my pen.. they laugh at me.. hahaha... at least i create an atmosphere.. hahaha.... den at werk... i wanted to take ice from starbux... i bang into the glass door... so dumb... i've been werkin there fer so long and to think i could actually bang myself on the door... next... the truffles... i wanted to put he box of i/c truffles into the paper bag... woosh... the box opened up and truffles fell into the bag... nvm.. i kept cool and change the truffles for new wan... den put back properly den display back.. hahaha... mummy... miss euuu.... i'll make sure i give u a treat wen my pay comes..kk.. gtg slp... i slpt at 6.30am this morning.. cuz doin report the whole night aft werk.. and tmr goin racky pasir ris to ecp tmr with daryl... yAwn..... guud night.........

2006-11-03T11:41:00.001+08:00

da fArk! lol... i dunno y... i got loads of stuff weighing in my mind... dunno which to let go... i talked to imran, jaz, aba and shihui abt him... the whole topic is abt breaking up.. i'm tired... its short but exhausting... i'm too tired of listening to his nag and scolding.. i;m too tired to tolerate his nonsense... i'm tired of telling myself to hang on and tat 2 yrs will pass fast... he's not here physically and ppl always say absence makes the heart grow fonder... no... he's not physically here but he scold me like as if i see him everyday and he noe me too well... i was hurt tat time he said he dun bother if im sick.. cuz he said wen i was asked to rest i din... ask to eat.. i din... F... up laa... i tried to slp earl.. i lie down at 12.. i slpt at 5... i cant possibly eat if i'm so bloated... and i work because i'm in need to cash... he SHOULD KNOW THAT! he werk b4.. and now... i'm already werking 2 jobs.. pool spot and gelare... i'm keeping my mind accupied and not think of anythin... i'm tired laa... i wanna tell him this:

i think we shall juz see wad the future holds for us... no point being together juz for the sake of record... its a torture for me and euu... if u dun find it a torture.... i do... wen i realli in need of someone by my side to listen and be there for me wen i'm down.... its my second family, gelare ppl hu is always there... and most of my problems i dun feel comfortabletelling him... cuz i'm too scared of his reaction... he wun agree wit me for EVERYTHIN... he will side wad i'm angry or sad wit... tat makes me sadder...

at first i realli realli tot u are e one tt i'm lookin for... i finally let go of my ex bcuz u came and lit up my life.. but somehow the fire is dying.... i'm tired of trying to keep the oxygen sufficient for the fire to go on.. i'm being controlled for no good reason... den... i'm not being bothered if i dun listen... fark laa.. sick sick sick... now i'm so bloody stress by skool, cca, gelare, pool, family and him... so... i think i dun like the feeling of being controlled wen i'm sooo stressed... it stressed me further... so i think... i wan to let go of this relationship.. i got no more oxygen to supply... we juz see wat the future holds for us.. for now.. i wanna be free... i juz wanna werk and study... and i dowan u to say i got no time fer u wen u book out... so.. ya.. let us be free...

2006-10-30T01:33:00.000+08:00

i msged surya in the early aftnoon got wad hw.. oni wen i juz reached home at arnd 11... she replied say the cppb graph to print out and all... den i dunno i start to panic... stress built up in me.. so i ask back... wad?? u oni modify the graph i gave u?? the questions all?? cuz we are expected to submit by tmr... and lyk.. things are left hanging.... wad r the rest doing??? aft tt i found out zhe liang is the wan hu modify the graph... ok... fine... wen i wanted to print out.. iwas freakin shocked by the graph..... do things halfway... no title... th x-axis label all wrong and one of the graphs is not modified yet!!! and he paste it in worksheet... with all other stupid workings by the sides... i was expecting he put it in a chart... but.. omg... pls laa..... DO things properly and DO it RIGHT! u are assigned a job... tats cuz u din even bother to find out wats ur job is in the first place! den i was pissed off wif endrea... to me... she gives me the impression that she's the miss-know-it-all... wwell... i noe she had done everything before... and she might noe evrything... no offence..if she noe everythin she wun have to go thru tis again! she said she'll do the rest of the questions.. and see... until now its not done... if she cant do it.. we can always separate the job.. dun take everything into ur own hands and think u can do it all.. we can always help cuz we're all groupmates... i juz wan things to get done on time... we are already late for the fact tat we're supposed to submit on last thurs.. omg... this ITM... all my prac i'm doin wit her... but my reports are all individual... cuz its either no contribution... or she nvr attend.... i cant be bothered... if she thinks she can do it... she better do it... dun make me pissed! i hate ppl hu are assigned to do things but NVR do... hATe this kind of ppl... u might b busy wif ur life out ther... well.. so am i... cant u juz set aside a time to finish ur task?? it wun kill! arGH...

2006-10-28T15:42:00.000+08:00

hari raye pix above.. me, my sis and my cousinx... love em... now i'm feelin damn sick... down with fever, flu and sore throat... *coough* coUgh* dun feel guud... ave came to my rescue!! she ask how i was feeling now.. i say not guud.. she helped me find replacement... lol... @ first im not supposed 2 b on schedule... den riaaz cant werk... so i took over his shift... den i got sick.. lol... so we borrowed jon from ecp outlet to help out.. lol...my bf... hai... ave told me to rest is also cuz she doesnt wan him to worry cuz i'm always at werk.. den now sick still werk... den wen he called me.. i told him i supposed to werk at 8pm tonight..but i sick thats y my manager ask me rest... and guess wad he said... " ur suppose to be celebrating hari raye not werk.." wtf??? i dunno wad he got against my werkplace... am i suppose to celebrate hari raye the whole MONTH... and wholE monTh i cant werk??? buLLshit ryt... lame sia... nowadaes i find him more and more unreasonable... grow up laa! haiz! juz now got one idiotic fellow hu added me online... and start scolding vulgarities at me... wtf?! and he curse me hope i die in car crash... wtf... childish... but if i happen to lelave tis world cuz of car crash... the first person i haunt is him!! idiot! k la... nth else to write...

2006-10-25T03:00:00.002+08:00

i'm bad...i'm bad... i'm a horrible gf.... all i do is make u waste ur breath on me... i'm bad... bad ppl gets punish... BAD GURL!

2006-10-22T03:02:00.000+08:00

SwwEeT rYt.... mUacKxx!
here i am... blogging.. today ok wit my mum alrdy... hmm.. work up real late... cleaned up my room... den go werk.. so relax... i was expecting some horrible crowd due to public holiday.. but it was like... less than 1000 wen i came at 8... lol... eww.. den we send riaaz home at 10... cut cost.. so... was juz 3 of us.. me ana and jenny.... *yawN*... tmr start werk at 8 AM!! and here i am still blogging away as if i dun require any rest.... lol....now talkin and msn with my dear.... miss him sia... sToOPid toAd... fri nite go enjoy himself and ferget me laa.... den today slp whole day den go his frenz hse... den nvr msg me... (excluding the wan askin me about wad time i werk...) bla bla bla...soon will ferget me.... hahaha... if he does... i kiLL him... muahahahaha.... love him to bits... hahha... k la... better go play game wit him b4 he talks to the wall again... chAOz

....

2006-10-21T04:13:00.000+08:00

u broke my heart.. u hurt my soul... i'm so disappointed... u made my tears roll.. i felt guilty.. for wad i've done.. but still.. u hurt me time and time again... am i so unimportant to u dat i'm a nobody in ur eyes.. u used to dote on me... but not now... i'm juz a nobody... i dun create any impact in ur life anymore... i walked out ignoring u... my heart bleeds for u... u've created countless scars on me... ur happy... u love me... ur mad.. u hate me.. i'm not somebody who is visible in ur eyes all the time... wad more can i ask for? i jux ask for love... love me like how u love the rest... stop comparing.. i may not be as smart as nora... i may not have a stable job cuz i'm still skoolin.. have u ever tot of how i feel everyday? skool..work..skool..work... tats all i do.. nora is simply the brainy one who is the studious and intellectual one.. irna is the one hu gives u money every month... both gives products tat satisfy u.. but have u tot of how i am everyday? how tired i am everyday? my back breaking... my health sux... no... u dun care.... u dun care bout me... u dun divide ur love for ur children equally... u raised ur voice at me for no reason! do u care bout how i feel? i keep deceiving myself thinkin u love us all equally... well.. no u dun... u hardly have proper conversation like how any mother would have with their children... askin.. how's ur day... r u tired? wan me to heat up the food for u? no.. u nvr did... i'm too hurt..... i cried in public... in bus & aft werk...

i came back from skool to take my werking stuffs... first thing u said to me is " clean ur room b4 u leave..." i dun mind doing it if i'm not werking.. i'm already very tired and in a rush.. den i jux say tomorrow i'll do it.. i'm in a rush for werk.. u cant be bothered... aft i ask if i could use the toilet in e kitchen... cuz their doin some cleaning there... and juz b cuz i ask a simple question.. u raised ur voice at me... wad was tt for? so i said " u dun have to raise ur voice... u can juz say it nicely u noe..." den i walked away.. took all my stuff... plug in my mp3... while wearin my socks.. i know she was sayin sth to me.. repeating twice.. i pretended not to hear and juz walk out... i cant stand her being nice out of a sudden! den i start to think and think of wad she did to me in d past... i'm realli disappointed with her... u can joke and laugh with my other siblings.. but not with me.. tat's y i rather be at gelare where my second family and second home is.. there is where i feel homey and loved... everyone cares... we take care of one another.. ave is tryin her best to be there fer everyone... ana is there as a listening ear.. so is jon and ciindy and xuan... wads so wrong bout me?? why do u not treat me like any other children of urs? i'm sooo soooo sad.... i tried my best to put up a positive attitude during work... smile like nth happpened...but aft werk... i think bout it again... i cried for being rude to u... i cried cux i'm upset with the way u treat me.. i cried thinkin bout the past... my tears wouldnt stop flowing... i wish my blood would flow at same rate... at least it ease my emotional pain... i wan to stop cryin... i feel so useless.... mummy.... u dun love me anymore do u? u dun care fer me anymore do u? wad if one day i'm gone? would u cry for me? would u miss me? would u rmb how u treat me in the past? would u haf tot of treating me better? but then again... wouldnt tt be too late? OR would u juz cry once for me? forget me the next day? cuz i no longer exist in ur life.. would u feel ease in burden wise? i wanna noe how u feel!! *tsk tsk* ='(

2006-10-20T10:22:00.000+08:00

now in report writing cls.. so bored.. juz now had 2hrs lecture of inorganic and organic chem... i slpt for 1:45 hrs... awake for juz 15.. very letagic... in d first place.. i dun even wana go skool.. but cuz its friday.. and dere's drama...and dat shihui... ask me to go skool... *yaWN...* dunno tis is the how many umpteen times i'd yawned... omg.. i realli falling aslp.. this wad plagiarism, references and dunno wad rubbish lecturer talkin..

SPAC2GO havin AMM on 25th oct..i hope i can remember to write up on my camp reviews tt i had durin training camp... oh ya.. yesterday had my microbio test.. i have confidence in everything except the life cycle of Rizophus... i lose 5 marks there... the rest maybe careless mistakes here and there... blablabla...

k.. here my calender event for time being...

19 oct - micro bio test1
20 oct - work 2000-cls
21 oct - work 2000-cls
22 oct - 0800-1500
24 oct - hari raya
25 0ct - AMM
27 oct - celebrate berfdaeS with strawberries family
31 oct - engine math 1 test 1
15 nov - cppb test 1

thats all for now...

hAppy hAn!fah!!

2006-10-17T01:43:00.000+08:00

today.. as usual... skip first 2 lessons... hahaha... wen to skool for ITM prac oni.. aft tt went home... aft tt.. wen to gelare siglap... wah... scary sia... got cctv everywhr... i feel so uneasy... hai.. change boss change EVERYTHINg..why not change all the staff as well?? dumb... i told ave i help her werk if she tired... but she wanna see her limits... she said she was happy wif my offer.. i jux wanna tell her tt i dun see her as an outsider or someone whom i dun trust... in fact... she's one of the ppl whom i feel so good aft tellin my probs to... love her to bits! i love all the gelare ppl... ave, xinyan, xx, jonathan, cindy, ana, muni, riaaz and all... they r my second family... but i still find them closer to me than my own family.. hahaha... oh ya! today lost tai di to jonathan badly... stoopid fella... at first owe him supper for guessin whr our i/c come from... now i lose to him.. how dumb! ya... i started baking "kueh" for hari raya alrdy... hahaha... gonna bring some for werk tomolo... k la... till den... chaoz

MeGa PoOL Rox!

2006-10-16T04:00:00.000+08:00

hey hey hey! at tis stoopid time here i am blogging... i suddenly haf this surge of happiness running in me... maybe cuz i'm about to get another job?? but one of e criteria din fit the bill.. at first i saw the paper wrote below the age of 25.. den i went to the website and saw 21-25 yrs old.. but then... wen i sms the guy... he din say anythin bout my age.. he ask to send him an email bout mself to his a/c... hmm... hope i get this job.. so... i shall break the tension of knowin wad job it is... werking at MEGA POOL!!!! woohoo!!!! SOUNDS SO COOL! love pool so much.. but not sure if will get the job anot... hmmm.... pray hard.... hahahaha!!! weee weeee!!! haiz... think tmr skip skool again.. but go for prac at 2.. k la... lazy to carry on... i juz hope i get e job... muahahaha!

in skooL!

2006-10-13T12:21:00.000+08:00

HElOO!!! i'm in skool lab... doin PBL.... stoopid shihui is in my grp!!! hahaha... k la.... gtg alrdy!!!! later got drama... sad sia... boring GEMs... bleahz...

i'm soO doWn and out...

2006-10-08T04:36:00.001+08:00

a few hours ago happens to be our one month being together forevermore...(shihui's fav word).. we suppose to meet around 3.. den change to 4 den change to aft break fast at 8.30.. i was late... i kena scold scold... den i said i gt 2 b home before 12.. den he make noise again... haiz... wad does he wan? worst of all... he said go home aft he eat... which was around 9 plus to 10... i see no point of meeting... den... i went home... aft tt i couldnt stand beiing at home... i told my mum i go down my werkplc to collect my mooncake... she's ok wit it.. since she's ok wit it... i can come home aft 12... skali he called me... he ask wat i'm doin... den i say ar.. i at werkplc... den obviously he nag..... cannot spend time wit me can go werkplc... den he ask me call back wen i reach home... argh! bla bla bla.. den i wen east coast... met constance.. sit by the beach... and talk things out...

2006-10-05T00:12:00.000+08:00

ArgH!!!!! i feel lyk blown up balloon!!!! a hot air balloon which can burst anytime!!! k.. i realise i oni blog wen my mood is @ negative mode.. but wadeva!!! i'm so the....****ed up... firstly... he din tell me he booked out today... i saw him online... den he wen "surprise!" and i go "huh"... den he "surprise!" den i go "HUH"... "why... how come u online? tot u in camp??" den he bullshit here and there... den he tell me his sir let them book out today... so if i nvr go online... i would nvr noe he actualli book out laa... den he asked if he can go out wif his frenz.... i say of cuz... i dowan control him... den he say..he gtg do sth.. so he din say anythin else... so aft a while i wen offline... i waited fer his call or msg at least... nth.... around 2-3hours plus later... he said he will b out wif his frenz till 2-3am... wth... and he mentioned sth which made me think too much... "sry if i do anythin wrong...." i say its okiee...i dun wan to ask him y... but... it realli lingers in my mind... did he do anythin wrong or is he GOIn to do sth wrong?? wad IS IT??! i din bother replyin him... today.... 11th anniversary for SPAC2GO committee called me... me and feng kai become MC for that event... haiyo!! i got enough things goin on le laa!!! fuCKED up liFe!!! dAmn eVErythIn tAts in mY wAy!!!! aRgH!!!!!! ='(!!!!!!

hE makes mE cOnfuSed....

2006-09-27T20:40:00.000+08:00

ok... i admit i've been thinkin too much... too much till my spaces in my hard drive in me have been used up.. FERLYNN... everytime i look at his profile... i feel so down...he doesnt like to talk bout the past.... "A picture paints a thousand words" but he still put up her picture in his frenster... doesnt tt realli remind him of her?? to me... if i'm not his gf... and i'm juz a passer by viewin ppl's a/c... i would think tt this guy is showin off to ppl tat he got many gfs... i wish he would put himself in my shoes... if i put my pic wif guys... how would he feel?? i cant talk to guys nor go out wit them... but he can!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! i'm mad for the fact tt he still can put his ex pictures on frenster... i dun mind yuying pics... but i'm totally mad wif him puttin ferl pics... he tell me he dun like her... but her pic still exist... wtf!!! arGH!! too mad to continue laa..

siAnx+haPpy+feELingleSS= haN!fAh

2006-09-24T17:40:00.001+08:00

bOo!! here i am blogging again!! hahaha... first and foremost... i'm realli glad to haf kenny as my kor kor! kor kor kenny! kenny kor kor!!! hahahaha!! bleAh... my listening ear... soon he'll be my punching bag... hahaha... ya.. he's my jukebox kor kor.. hahhaa.. btw.. yesterday went out wif him, my sis and her bf... went to eat and CPK.. den watch movie.. he's botak! whakakaka.. round round... miss him alrdy... tdy fasting mth commences.. every muslims out there (i hope) is fulfilling God's will for us to fast as of today till the time comes..
sianx... skoOl startin tmr... i'm so afraid to step beyond today... i'm so scared i cannot cope.. i'm so stressed over skool werk and cca... "tomorrow's a bettter day..." i keep telling myself... but the sentence deceived me day aft day... wen else can i sit and rest??? not thinkin bout anythin and stress?? cryin will not do.... cuz others dun like it wen i'm blue... talkin to myself n ppl'd think i'm nut...hAppy... got meet him ystd.. tonight we meetin too.. pass him my hp.. if not he gong gong nvr bring hp den cannot msg me... stoOpid toad... haha..
oh ya... juz now wen i was online still... i saw my ex.. i said hi... he din reply... dis is not the first... i dunno y he refuses to tok to me... worst of all... wen i said hi... he immediately change his status to busy.... haiyo... wads wif him oso i dunno... juz say hi oni wad... not ask if i'm askin for his life or money...
i need to buy lotsa note books!! i gonna study real hard for my this sem modules!!! and not slack!! and a note book for my cca... haix... wen i think of cca.. i sianx liao... hahaha... k la... wanna go watch tv aredy.... blog another time!!

2006-09-20T03:25:00.001+08:00

i had a new haircut today!! or shud i say ystd.. lol... i wen wif shihui... we had new looks... she cut and dyed her hair while i juz had a hair cut... so yucky!! so shrt!!! ystd slack whole day... off day... missing him again... tallked to efa... she misses he bf too!! lol... oh ya... i registered for my gems aredi... at first i click drama appreciation for wed 1-3... den they say unsuccessful.. i was abt to gif up den i saw another drama appreciation.. i click it.. i got it!!! so lucky!! shihui got into same gem as me... lol..... drama queens... so fun... hidayah got into Knowing Your Rights... gwen got into design appreciation... she was so scared wen i couldnt log on to her account in sas... aft we put down fone.. i retry again den can.. lol... today werkin 1 till close... sianz laa.... wed sia... boring day... omg... gonna rot another 10 hours... i miss my skool mates... but i dowan go skool.... i very stress... ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dowan the chairperson post in expedition committee.... ii got too much thing to worry bout.... studies... den werk.... den cca... bf.... family... i still need time to do assignments.... how??? i feel so farked up.... sometimes i wish i din join spac2go... i wish i have no cca... last sem i could bearly cope wif studies and werk... now cca and bf.. how am i suppose to commit myself to all this?? haiyo...

2006-09-19T02:59:00.002+08:00

its been daays since i posted anythin... too much things tt i want to let out.. but i dunno which one to begin with... i feel so pressurized!!! i'm like at the bottom part of my life... no rope could pull me up... onli his hand that can reach out for mine could help me ease my pressure... at SPAC2GO camp... i did enjoy myself.... last day of camp... seniors ask us to vote for chairperson, v.chairperson, treasurer and secretary for expedition and residential committee.... least i expected tt i would b chosen to b e chairperson for expedition committee... my v. chair is feng kai and secretary kamae and treasurer daryl.. i dunno wad to do... i'm so lost! to chair a committee needs a lot of committment... i dunno if i possess one.. my life is filled with werk, skool, den now..cca.. frenz and family... not forgeting my dear of cuz... everthin is compressed together... tats wad my life is... skool... aft skool..werk.. since now i in charge of expedition committee... i have to let go of my werk abit... i feel so guilty.. i cant bear to werk so little.. not fer income.. but fer the sake of fulfilling the short of manpower on certain days... den... las min... sum1 told me to held a meetin tis week... i'm already so packed... now i have to take leave on thurs and find replacement asap... which i cant find at all! how?? i'm so stressed up.. den he told me to plan wad to do.... wad to bring.... i dun even noe wad i'm supposed to do... am i suppose to plan for a camp... or plan to find external helpers.. or wad? i'm so lost! fArk laa... den recently i juz saw my 2nd sem time table... freakin tight sia!!! i dunno what do dey have against dcp1b04... where have we gone wrong?? i practically end my lessons at 5pm!!! i still have to go werk... aRgH!!! i dunno wad to do... self-multilating crosses my mind every second.... but i muz rmb tt i'm meeting him in 4 days time...i freakin lOst!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! someone... show me some guidance.... i dunno wad to do wit myself...the pain iinside is evoking...i wanna scream if i can.... where is he?? i miss him alot!!!! omg.... help me.....

2006-09-08T23:29:00.000+08:00

today... he left for camp... i feel bad not waiting for his call tat nite.. he called me a few times and i was aslp.. luckily around 6 plus... i picked up d fone and tok to him fer awhile.... now... i'm so lonely... i feel lost.. i cant hog on d fone wit him every nite.. i miss him.. miss his voice.. miss his nonsense... haiz.... today werked at 8 till close... i feel so bored... nth to do.. haiz... till here for now..