Tuesday, October 23, 2007

days felt like yrs w/o u by my side...

wen to daddy's place today... celebrate his belated burfdae altho i alrdy celebrated wit him on his b'day itself at his werkplc.. miss daddy!! =) wen for dinner den wen to muni's hse to play wit her cats, fifi and smoky... very cute!! i wan a cat of my own!!!! den squeeze it everyday!! hehe.. den meet him and brought him to daddy's plc.. i noe he felt weird.. if i'd known better.. i shoudn't haf ask him to come.. so troublesome for him.. took cab back and forth.. i feel bad..

i got 2 job offers... one was starbux.. another was customer service executive.. once i can stabilize myself in another job.. i'll leave gelare.. i'm complacent at werk.. shitty stuffs, yea.. if i were to convert to full time.. it would be equal to jumpin into the bottomless pit.. black surrounding, anticipating doom in the end.. k laa.. its not tt bad.. juz tt sometimes, i wish i could start afresh.. knowing all of them for the first time.. not knowing hu they are... juz minding my own business.. at least.. i would b happie for a period of tym.. sry bosses... disappointing to hear all these coming from me.. but oh well... my feelings...

wednesday i'm goin ubin with ana.. go relax... release all problems.. enjoy the carefree life there... i dowan to think of anythin except being wit her.. i'm goin to miss her badly.. thursday going out with ana and xinyan.. juz hang out and chill... friday...back to werk.. sat werk, sun werk.. next week....... not sure... i'm still thinking wad schedule shud i gif.. chaoz!





12:39 AM;
I made my mark

Thursday, October 18, 2007

i cant believe it... zak is wit faiz?? at first.. wen i saw his msn dis pic.. i tot it was her.. but mayb juz look alike...besides... a pic can change someone's looks... so i din realli bother much.. till i saw the next pic... it realli look like her.. so i ask 'chee kueh'.. it is her... i dun feel jealous or wat.. but... y wit someone i noe???? the pic juz keep lingering in my head.. i dun care if he wans to be wit 100000 girls... so long none of them is someone i noe... i juz feel...... distraught! argh!!



3:19 AM;
I made my mark

Sunday, October 14, 2007

he was there... all the time... <3

End of first day of hari raya.. end of one whole day of stealing naps at every single houses i went. hehee. i was basically like a tree growing different breed of fungus everywhere i went. seems like all my relatives noe tt i'm no longer in poly. but, at least i had plans for my future.. my cousin.. isnt skooling... being fed on a silver spoon since young till now.. has no plans on her future.. i worry for her... her mum would pay for her private diploma.. but she doesnt want to study... how lucky can one get? if she were in my shoes, i think she would haf killed herself long ago... my uncle did a so-called "fortune-telling"... he was right.. my cousin is leading a good life with silver platters serves in front of her... even wen she is 40.. as for me.. he said i'm leading a miserable life... even wen i'm 50... i will still b miserable... that scares me tho.. i dowan to b miserable... now it maybe miserable.... but i hope in the near future, i'll b leading a good life.. oh well.... yea...

went to 4 houses today... rode bike with baju kurung!!! omg... i look damn 'unglam' lor!! with the kain pulled up... eeye.. missing him 1/3 of the time.. cuz the rest was juz napping arnd.. lol. he came to meet me even aft he got hm... i think he miss me laa... whahaha.. i feel bad leh... everytime he got to come down... next time, if i got a bike... my turn to go find u k? =) tmr i still gotta werk at 3... the tot of werk..... realli..... nvm.... it will be 'fun'! even if its not... i will make it looks fun.. lol. to all the muslims out there... Selamat Hari raya.. kalau tersilap kata atau terkasar bahasa, ku minta ampun atas segalanya.





2:39 AM;
I made my mark

Friday, October 12, 2007

it hurts to remember the past. it hurts to noe i'm no longer in a poly. it hurts to lose contacts with frenz.. it hurts to remember the close frenz i had now no longer in contact.. till wen is it goin to haunt me? step out of your comfort zone. i kept telling myself tt. reminiscing the past realli made my tears roll.. and the further past past... worst.. till wen can i stop having depression? why cant i juz be sad and the next second be happie? is workin tt important? more important than studies? why din i prioritize my studies before werk? why must i haf such financial state? why must i like someone now? why must i be so soft in the inside and pretend to be strong on the outside? i dun wan to burst a flood suddenly in front of anyone.. not even one... why must i be betrayed? y did i put in so much trust in someone? and be betrayed over and over again? y am i so stupid? why is my mum like tt? why is my dad like tt? why are my parents like tt? y is my sister so hard-hearted? i syg u alot and u treat me like shit.. u need sth, i give u.. i give u the best and i take the worst. u crap around, i clear ur mess.. u mess around, i get e scolding. i swallow it cuz ur my sis. i still love u cuz ur my sis. u beat me, i hate u for a second, love u aft tt. u cant b bothered bout other feelings... i AM bothered by ur feelings..

daddy, ur other daughters disregard u... i treasure u.. u brought me into this world. Thank you. i wish i could be there every time u need someone.. ur sick, i'm hurt. u worked hard, i will too.

mummy, sry i couldn't help much at home. u said i took this house as a shelter to slp. i'm sry.. if i dun werk, hu's gonna pay for my skool fees? 99/100 times i clean the room. sis oni clean once. i get the shits from u.. and the reason is cuz she's werking... mummy, i dun party or do stupid things outside. i werk too. i'm physically strained and stressed at werk. u ask me to find another job cuz u dun like the time i come hm... i'm sry.. i wish i could do tt.. seriously! but wher can i find a full tiime job and negotiate my schedule due to my skool next yr? and could i adapt to it easily when i alrdy have gelare ways at my finger tips? i'm sry if i had been a sore in ur eyes..

atok... ur my one and only dearest atok i ever had.. i love u alot.... seeing u in this state, makes me wnna cry... but i had to be strong in front of u.. i rmbed wen i was young, u played wit me, u took care of me.. as i grow older, i forgot all tt... and neglected tt memories.. now.. it flash back every single moment... it distracts me all the time... i wanna be there 4 u everyday... rmb... i'm always there in ur heart.... it remains now till forever... i miss u.....

him... i miss u... i wanna help u stand from wher u had fallen.. brace up urself.. i could oni give u words of encouragement.. the rest is up to u.. she cannot be get rid from ur heart now... not until u open up ur heart to someone else.. it may not be me... but wadeva it is.. i gif u my blessings.. i'll be happie to see the word 'miseriz' on ur forehead gone.... smile like u mean it... dun put urself down.. u might be stupid in the past... but i'm sure 'people become cleverer from doing stupid things'.. u told me this... all the best...

izwan... i love u..as a fren... i cant return u the same feelings u haf for me... my heart has only 1 room.. its occupied.. i cant open it up to u.. i'm sry... i can treat u like a brother.. a close brother.. but pls dun treat me like ur gf... 'dear', 'miss u badly', 'darling'.... all these arent for me.. save it for someone better alrite? i miss those times wen u tease me, crap wit me.. joke wit me.. i could easily be sarcastic to u and u noe it was a joke... pls revert back to the old times.. misses..

hanifah.... wake up... stop thinking too much... it just tear u apart.. be the bubbly gurl u used to b.. smile like there's no such things as 'worries'. be tough..




3:48 AM;
I made my mark

Monday, October 01, 2007

i juz dun understand!!!! i dowan to b part of it..but everytime it happens... i got to b part of it!!!! ='( i'm juz a worker.. spare me........ i can lend a listening ear... it gets digested... i wun come out from my mouth... i listen to both sides... i dun take sides.... its not wrong to listen to both ryt??? i admit i can go crazy... but for the sake of sharing e burden, i dun mind... tts y i dun trust anyone... i dunno hu to believe.... i juz listen... i have views bout ppl too... some... really diff from hu i used to noe... not b cuz i heard from ppl... but i saw it for myself... the onli person i trust is 'baby ultraman'... he noes wen i'm down.. he can sense i have lots of tots rushing thru my head... but certain things...i simply couldnt say... cuz its my own point of view... its not right to share judgement bout others to other ppl.. i dunno wad awaits me next... i juz hope....... i'm not part of it... i dowan to b involve...pls..........=(



3:09 AM;
I made my mark

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