Untitled. Lost. ;Without hope`

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Its been days since i last msged him.. Yesterday i received the longwinded sms from him.. Seems as tho he loves to sit like a duck and wait for things to happen... to me... it seems to be his character.. cuz it happens all the time.. he would just do nth to salvage things.. And u noe wat... i'm no longer the little miss nice. life goes on for me... i got plenty of things to do out there... worrying bout this aint carry me further... and dun u dare complain u're worn out... ur just worn out cuz of the quarrels... while i'm worn out cuz i'm tired of loving u... ur expectations are beyond my reach... each day seems like a 10km run. tryin to please u even wen u hurt me indirectly... i swallow them all.... till now... i find it too hard to even put em in my mouth. i gif up... it was a mistake tat i told u that u are my greatest joy. you WERE... cuz u took it for granted... u knew that i loved u alot... so u think u can mess with my feelings just like tt... THINK before u talk... i'm a girl.... i'm not the guy... i'm sorry.... but i realli think that there's oni 0.1% chance that we would be together... u r realli one super asshole which i wish to beat up. i loved u alot yet i dun get the return... perhaps its retribution... previously... my ex loved me alot but i din... now... karma... I"M FUCKING TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!

2:21 PM;
I made my ~~mark~~

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

its time that i should stop putting others ahead of me.. cuz i think for others but at lost for myself most of the time. most of the time i simply don't noe wad i want and wad i wanna achieve and wad i wanna do. each night i wish someone or sth would enlighten me.. wad am i to do with my life. i'm living for others and not for myself.

from young i haven't really got to feel love. my mum.. i'm sure she loves me but she doesnt show. i dun get things which a kid would yearn for. so, in turn, i learn to love. i love the people around me. i put them ahead of me. yet, i still don't feel love. so, i'm practically living to love not to be loved. and to be frank, i'm tired of doing so. Perhaps like wad people say, too much milk will spoil the broth. and people gets up on ur head.

i tot i found someone hu can make me feel special. And perhaps, i was wrong. Perhaps, he felt the joy to be loved and wans more out of it. And he felt i waited for him... and i love him alot. So, he wouldn't think i would leave. one year... one bloody year with him... i dun feel like his girlfriend. perhaps a moment or two... other than that, its just like a friend with benefits. I tried my very best to avoid all quarrels. i tamed my temper. i swallow hiccups. but i tolerated enough. I'm very tired of being the guy in a relationship. Where are the surprises, the concern, the honey words? If he were to be in a relationship with any of my frens, i bet they wouldn't last even a month. Each time i see my fren's or my cousin's partner, i feel envious.

I'm tired seriously.. this relationship has worn me off. Name me sth which u haf done for me that made me feel touched or loved. i dun need my fingers to count. just the thumbs are enough. I may b a little harsh on my words now. but thats how i feel. i couldnt convey my tots in other ways except blogging. Without u, i struggle to live. with u, a long-term tormenting life. its time i think for my own. i dun need a remote to lead my life. i dun need to love ppl hu doesn't noe how to reciprocate the same way. i do question myself, y did i waited for u? wad do i see in u? why did i haf to ask u out on ur birthday? why did i hug u on ur birthday? why did i detour to the hospital to be there for u even wen we alrdy broke up? why did i get back to u even after u hurt me umpteen times? why did i bring u home? why did i always change my off day and haf everything rescheduled to get the same off days as u? why did i think so much of us till i haf sleepless nite? why why why why why why why why why why why????? why do i haf to love u so much yet to find out i'm not really being loved. u can tell me that i dunno how much u love me. but that's how u portray it to be. maybe, u shud learn to love. i've learn enough even though i've never been in a long term relationship. its not about hu has been thru a longer period in a relationship. 5 yrs, 10 yrs... but if u dunno how to love, i pity the other party. its hard for a gurl to be a guy in a realtionship. yes... u can do it for months.. but it gets tedious as days go by. and the love wears off faster.

2:28 AM;
I made my ~~mark~~

Thursday, October 23, 2008

look like a 16 year-old boy.

Sulk worst than a girl, that is. Haha. A freakishly tired day, yesterday. Tired and hungry, that is. Went opposite, mAc doNg donG, to eat supper aft werk. Argh... and someone sulk cuz i din report my strength. 'SORRY SIR!" and.... he went silent...... allllll the way............. still stubborn... even wen i keep looking at my clock... my hp.... my clock...my hp.... it doesnt buzz with his name appearing... i give up. i called him. sometimes... i find that a small thing that leads to quarrel... isn't worth the time nor anger. So... make a joke out of it. Tensions gone. But of cuz... lesson learnt. Well... who says we have to be serious all the time to instill important notes? a joke with a matured mind do click with knowledge gained. I can proudly say that i've learned to control my temper. Think optimistic. And learn to be patient. all... thanks to my lover. *xOxO* baby.

After i break the ice.. we still squeeze that little time we had for today to meet up. i skate!! and fall.. (expected) ahhh... i din noe he skates very well.. I'm utterly impressed. if only he can love me tt well as he skates...*sNAP!* uh huh... he look so cool wen he skates!! woohoo! i can barely turn around nor stop without any pillar or help. so ya... tt's how bad i do. but fun! interesting pair of shoes with wheels that move u around with style. (not applicable on Hanifah though) its fun to roll around knowing that u got someone there who would pick u up when u fall. Although i tried hard not to.(stupid chair) Anyway... Hearts u many many bb... lotsa lurrve~~!

3:08 AM;
I made my ~~mark~~

Friday, October 10, 2008

@ staircase wasting our tym away~

super engrossed with taking pictures...-_-"

Chapters in life speaks a never-ending story. What's love? A word to ponder upon with a no-wrong answer. Yet a complication derives through the many answers from the experiences of others. Why is that for some, it's easy for them to deviate their attention to another person but to others it takes a great willpower? Why is that for some, even silence with the love's presence, they are able to enjoy but for others its a torture? Love gives the greatest joy yet the deepest pain. Love is filled with laughters yet end with tears. That's love.

Sincerity, Loyality and trust. That's my baby's key to love. Mine is Honesty, trust and acceptance. It seems that trust holds the greatest weigh in a relationship. He once breached my trust. And it took me alot of strength to find them back. Eventually, i succeed. Umpteen quarrels we had. Yet, now, i've learn to accept things. Being with him had allowed me to venture new things and learn more about being in a relationship. He,indirectly, had taught me alot of things that i never once knew. He himself had put through a whole load of torture being with me, tolerating me and being forgiving. My greatest joy ever was to have him by my side. The person i wished to spend the rest of my life with has already been found. A gift from God that i got to meet him. A fate that prevails that will continue its journey.

To my beloved:

Having u by my side is indeed the greatest joy. No matter what's the real answer to 'Love', I, myself, had carry the answer. It lies in my heart and only you understand the meaning. A year with you had made me think maturely in a relationship. It's not about being by ur side physically everyday. But the words that u utter thru the phone that made me feel ur presence. The sensational feel that u gave when u said "I Love u". We met with obstacles thru our journey, yet we made it thru. Thanks to ur patience. Even during the darkest period, the light that lit my way thru was u. Bb, I'm really sorry for my attitude, ur greatest tolerance had become a remedy. Thank you for being with me. I love you.

I finally had tendered my resignation. I need to do something about my life. Working there brings me no where given the fact that with that kind of pay, i could barely save a penny. And i bet i could find a better job which could pay me the same or higher without working my life out. i could feel my heart in my throat each day i wake up with that swollen eyes, half-dead body and 0.1% energy level wen i drag myself to the toilet with the towel dangling down my shoulder. It feels as though I'm working 2 jobs and only slp for 3-5 hrs per day. Probably its my health. And work drag me down even further. Each friend of mine whom i met outside coincidently, will Always ask me a very common question.."Your eyes are terrible! Y is ur face so pale?" Simple answer, "Tired". my answer. i rather not go deeper. Cuz i don't see the problem in my colleagues. its just me. my health is dragging me down. i wish it would just go away. anyway, G. Cafe is really tiring. A cafe with no service charge yet we gotta serve, process order and do cashier. Wth. And manpower? So bloody little. Y? Cut cost. ..the hell.... Anyway... stress is bound to be there in every job. And i rather find another job. Haha. FREAKISHLY tired. G.Cafe is really pulling people into their grave faster. I shall save myself first before people come and visit my grave.

Anyway, to all my colleagues, nice working with u guys for the past ... dunno how long... really memorable moments. no worries laa... u noe hanifah... she will surely come down once in a while. =) chaoz

11:16 PM;
I made my ~~mark~~