Saturday, August 30, 2008
yesterday wasn't a good day. In fact, it could've been e worst day of my life this yr. its the end of our relationship. i surrender. i'm freaking tired. i tot i was strong enough to juggle work, bf, family, skool, bike and frenz. in fact, i could've nvr felt more defeated than last nite. i felt i'm losing this battle. i was back on my feet aft umpteen quarrels. i gave in too much. and when i whine to others that i'm the one hu always gave in, they say in a relationship, u cant judge by hu gives in more. because of love, sacrifices cant b measured. but i'm getting sick. as much as i wish for him to be the kind of guy hu dotes on me, loves me, concern bout me in a pleasant way, cares bout my feelings.. i couldnt even felt a teeny weeny bit of it. all we do is just quarrel. HE had to blow up his frustration at me just b cuz my hp died and he couldnt reach me. and it all points back at me sayin y din i inform him my hp was dyin or take initiative to inform him. and cuz of that... he digs out all my faults. thats y i'm getting tired. i'm tired of cryin. i'm tired of catering to him. after so much i'm done for him, he din take tt into consideration. instead, he rmbs all the bad things. y do i always end up like this? i feel so miserable for myself. y do i always end up wit such guys? why do i always end up being the bad guy? y do i have to feel so hurt yet i couldnt cry no more? my heart feels so sore yet i dun have a remedy. i could oni put on smile in front of others yet i'm crying terribly inside. i'm oni a 19-yr-old girl yet i have to be under such pressure. y din i just continue in sp? if i had, i wouldnt haf to go thru this bumpy journey. i wouldnt be mugging every nite tryin to catch up with my skool work. i wouldnt have met him again at gelare. i wouldnt have any relationship. i wouldnt have to worry so much. and my mum wouldnt have a hole in tt a/c. now tt i chose this route.. i bear the consequences. puttin back tt sum in tt a/c, mug at nite, work, and have my heart pierced by him. never purchase error at the price of guidance lest be tormented at the price of pardon.i had purchased error at the price of mum's guidance by giving up poly life... now being tormented in this route trying to find my way out. i brought all these upon myself. i noe self-reproaching is useless. but tt's how i feel. i brought it upon myself. all miseries i'm having is own-carved. no one carved it for me but myself. y is my heart being pierced? cuz i chose this route. thus, tts e price to pay. nth in this world is free. in tt sentence, lies a deep meaning. in terms of $, in terms of emotions, in terms of objects, thinking, and everything! i'll nvr get caught up in a relationship till i'm old enough to manage myself. have my career carved out, get my bike, have myself financially-stabled. And i'll nvr get caught up with a guy hu thinks every relationship werks out the same way as their previous, belittles me, thinks i'm immatured in a relationship, always thinks he's right. i may have lots to learn in a relationship. but i think i cant learn it from u. its so tough that each time i feel like banging my head on the wall. and nvr say tt to ur love ones. cuz ur showing ur authority just b cuz u've been in a long-term relationship and i'd not. even if i have lots to learn, just shut the fark up. i will pick things up along the way thru my journey. oh ya... one thing about me is tt, wen i noe wad i've to do, nvr tell me wad to do. cuz i NOE wad to do. dun dominate me. u've yet to noe everything about me. the only person hu can do tt are my mum, dad and sisters. perhaps, i'm really not up for a relationship. i prioritize my family first. they mean the whole world to me. i surrender...... i dowan 2 have anything to do with ur life no more. u've hurt me enough. as much as my feelings for u were strong, they gradually died cuz i'm torn apart by ur words. my heart shattered as ur words screeched. no one was as harsh as u except my mum. but she's my mum. u can nvr be compared to her. half a yr and u deliver such pain. i take my hats off to u. i nvr felt much worst!!!!!!!!! ='(
1:37 AM;
I made my mark
Thursday, August 14, 2008
nothing feels worst than wanting to cry yet no tears to spare. wen u noe that the heart aches and all u wanna do is hide and cry. I'm totally drained out of energy. i could barely scoop ice cream without trembling. i could hardly concentrate on whatever that's happening around me. he called during my closing. i hesitated to answer. but i wanna hear his voice. he said he was hungry. usually wen he says he's hungry... i will meet him up aft werk to go for supper. so i said.." so u wan me to come down is it....." and all he said was.. " if u wanna come down den come lor... if not i eat myself" y did he give me such a choice?? he noes i'm soft hearted. but it makes me like a fool. its like as if i'm the one hu wans to see him. argh... fark.one thing i found out about him today... he nvr admit his mistakes readily. wen problems occur... to him, its never his fault. as much as i wish to salvage this relationship... i see no point... it hurts me further. everyday i cry to slp.. wake up with swollen eyes.. nth seems ryt. i love him yet i dun feel the returned feelings from my guy. i'll let u go... ease ur burden.. it's over... i'm too tired.... i'm really sorry love....i really am...
2:05 AM;
I made my mark
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
True love doesn't come by finding the perfect person... but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
but how true is true love? sacrifices cannot be measured yet it has been taken advantage of. how can we weigh the amount of love? its time to learn to let go of certain habits which tears the relationship apart. One experiences honeymoon period at the beginning and wish it could last. but mine was long over. could it be i was giving in too much that he expects more? could it be i cared too much for him and he wants more? i feel unloved and abundant at times. i felt like i was an object that was programmed to cater to his feelings. my feelings are dying. i no longer had that strong feelings for him that could conquer everything else. the one that cares and shows concern are my friends. the one that puts me off... its him... it hurts wen u expect more from ur love ones yet returned with nothing. the one that offers advise that i would find reasonable to shut up came from friends. i feel like an idiot everytime he shuts me off. he doesnt look at the credits i've done but he remembers mistakes i committed. could i just be single once again? i'll feel less hurt and i wun expect anything more from him than just wad frenz would do.
wen i said to him tt i wanna be left alone... i was hoping for some initiative from him to show his concern. all i get was "i wun disturb u. msg me or call wen u wan." utterly depressed and the urge of wanting to let him go was certainly there. i want a guy hu loves me with all his heart and my feelings matters to him. a guy hu would overlook my mistakes and treat me not like a kid. i mayb younger. but i'm not 9 years old. i have a thinking of my own. the fragility of my feelings requires attention. it breaks at slightest screech. my heart feels sore these days.
i went for my bike prac today. i was sad aft tt due to wadever that happened... i fell off. i couldnt start. i was drenched. then, i wen to werk... my new nametag was farking ugly. i lost my rubberband to tie my hair. everythin doesnt seems rite for me. the one tt i pour my woes to are my frenz. wen i told him i fall off my bike cuz of illegal U-turn, his reply was i tot prac 6 den learn U-turn? den it cut off... he wasnt concern of wad had happened to me... but was just lookin down on me. i hadnt talk to him for 3 days. and today aft waffle day... i still wen down to find him... all i get was " eh.. finally..now then come and see me" am i the guy in this relationship? do i haf to look for him ? care for his feelings and neglect mine? i hardly get positive comments from his mouth. oni common things like i love u. i need a guy hu think before he speaks. dun make me sound stupid or make me feel like an idiot. i'll lose the feelings even faster.
am i asking for too much? i noe i am being sensitive... cuz i am sensitive. i'm a girl. if u dun noe how to take care of a girl's feeling..... dun get into a relationship. and wen i dun give a damn last time... u said u dun feel concern by me... u dun feel loved. wad do u want???? i dunno wad else i shud do.... the best is for us to take a time-out. my birthday is approaching soon and all i wish was to celebrate with my love one... i never celebrated with my ex before. either we got together aft my birthday or we break up before my burfdae. i was looking forward for this yr... but these had to happen. its realli not meant to b. could i feel worst den ever? i have to juggle so many things yet i manage to love u still. my werk, my skool, my bike, my grandfather and family, frenz, and u.. yes.. u mayb under pressure at ur side wen comes to werk... i have mine too.. u haf some family stuffs. me too... wad else? thats it ryt? y couldnt u juggle me as well... is the pressure i'm giving u too high? i doubt so. if u think its high, lets break up. me too.... i'm getting tired of EVERYTHING..... i just wanna let go of everything i have. including my job. even my studies. even my bike. but of cuz not family. solitude is wad i seek ryt now.
3:23 AM;
I made my mark
Sunday, August 10, 2008
1:00 AM;
I made my mark
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
This is El... my laughing gas emitter
This is mi.. trying to stop hibernating after waffle day
Today was Gelare's waffle day... and tmr is the day boss coming down for store visit. Are we suay or SUAY??! me and el stayed there till 2am. We were basically having wars with the cutleries... hell loads of them to wipe and fold. Clean up here and there. the tot of staying over at the outlet was there till we couldnt take it... and left for home.. tmr both of us are doing opening. that''s wad keep us there.. and the tot of boss coming down.... even firm our stands. but our battery was going flat soon... we could hibernate anytime. But here i am blogging away... trying to keep myself awake and not fall aslp. if i fall aslp... its a gone case. i wun be able to wake up later.
My bb has been quite different lately. he's no longer the guy i knew previously. i noe as couple gets closer, we tend to find out more things and learn to accept. things changed. he no longer give in and cheers me up. he no longer brings a smile to my face each time i was down. he no longer listens to my opinion with understanding. my words were taken lightly as tho it carries no meaning. could it been me? did i cause all of tt to happen since i have attitude problem? its tat y he's being tt way too? at times, i just wanna shun away from him... not calling or msging him.. nor see him... but i cant avoid him for long... he would anyhow think. i just need some time off. i'm alrdy stressed out at work.. and my studies... i dunno how long more i can juggle these things well. eventually... sth gonna drop. i need his concern.. but its not there... i need his ears.. but its not available. i dun need his unnecessary comments that puts me off.. i need sth that consoles me...am i asking for too much? sometimes... i just wanna break off with him and feel wad it is like without him... but i couldnt bring myself to do so. one thing i seek.... dun be angry with me. i may not seem affected.. but deep inside... i'm very afraid of ppl hu gets angry with me. i fear d words tat comes out of the mouth. cuz i bet its heart-piercing. he'd pierced my heart dunno how many times yet not all he noes. its tormenting being in a relationship yet u just wish for someone to be there 4 u and someone to share ur joy with. there's a price to pay for everything. nth in this world is free....
you noe... today.. wen he called (finally.....) at 1am plus... he asked where i was. i said FEP. den told him that i was staying over.... he was obviously against the idea.. and asked me to go back... sounded unhappy... ok..... and then... i was actually expecting a sweet bb to come here and fetch me or sth... neh..... he reached home minutes later as he texted me.... mayb its a wishful thinking on my part thinking that he has nth better to do.... e's not a romantic kinda person.... and to him.... i'm just a kid... i'm just like a little sister to him hu listens to him all the time... haiz... where are we moving to? i dunnoo...... 15th aug is our so called official date where we turned 6th month old together. my feelings aint that strong anymore... i need his help to strengthen back those feelings.
3:13 AM;
I made my mark
This is El... my laughing gas emitter
This is mi.. trying to stop hibernating after waffle day